At Last…

So, I’ve been MIA for months now because there was literally, NOTHING, to blog about that is at all related to my goal of becoming a mother (in addition to already being a stepmomma).

I had planned to update in about 2 weeks to say that we had moved and that I was getting all set up with a new home… but… in typical Murphy’s Law fashion…

Let me back up and tell the short, but more complete version of the story:  my DH and I both commute to work.  We work about 5 minutes away from each other, but we’re both commuting 70 minutes EACH way.  This made sense for a while since the housing market was in the toilet and we’d end up losing WAY too much in selling our home.  Now, the market (at least where we are) has recovered enough that we can take a small loss and move closer to work.

2 months ago, I started house shopping.  1 month ago, we found a house.  Yesterday, we closed on the house, In two weeks, we move to a new home.  On Monday, we signed a contract on our selling our current home.  They will move in/close at the end of November.

Once we had the final approval on the house and everything was ready to go, I wrote my adoption counselor to say that we were moving to our new home and could she help me meet my new counselor.  She’s normally very responsive.

I didn’t hear anything for 2 days.  Then, on Wednesday, I get a phone call.

We’ve been chosen as the family to consider for an 11-year-old girl.  We go for the presentation about her in a couple of hours.

Yep, that’s right. It really did happen exactly when I had given up on it ever happening.  I’m excited about learning more about this little girl, but I’m also very, very nervous.  Looks like I’ll be back in blog land, reading up and getting back into the know, instead of feeling hopeless on the sidelines.

Self-imposed Hiatus

After my last post, I took a self-imposed hiatus from all things related to children or adoption, including signing into this blog.  Thanks to y’all for reading and commenting.  It really helped today when I logged in and saw those words.

I was just having a hard time finding patience and understanding, and I thought living in a possibility-free world for a while would help.  It did — a bit, though I’m still frustrated and sad and worried about how long everything is taking.  I keep telling myself that things will happen — or they  won’t, and either way I’ll go on. 

 

I’m Angry

I’m angry.  I’m so angry that there are assholes in the world how kill dogs by leaving them in the car while they go into the mall.

I’m angry these assholes get to have 7 children and have 2 die from PNEUMONIA, a completely treatable illness.

I’m so mad that I live in a state where tons of kids are not cared for, where there are thousands of children without a home, yet I haven’t had a single phone call.

I could go on and on.

I read an article today from Jimmy Fallon about hanging on and sticking it out and realizing it will all be okay (thanks for that, Daryl).  I’m thankful that came into my sphere of existence, but I’m so blinded by hurt and anger that all I can think is that HIS story, the EVERY ONE ELSE’s story will NEVER be my story.

I probably shouldn’t put this vitriole out into the world, but maybe having this moment shared will help me move past these feelings.  

 

Why It Sucks To Be…

1. Waiting on an adoption/foster phone calls

• They don’t ever come.  Seriously.  It’s been since April and not a peep.  We’re going to a mixer (with kids and counselors) in a couple of weeks.  Hope that gets things moving.

2. Not preventing, but not actually trying

• So, I can’t remember having my period in July. I know I had my period about mid-June because I was glad it was finished before our vacation.  That means that either a) I’m pregnant or b) I completely forgot having my period.  I don’t feel pregnant, whatever that means, so I’m sure I’m just either about to start, or I’m having some sort of other issue. I’m mildly considering getting a pregnancy test, but that seems like a waste of money.

In NO-other news, life has been boring for me.  I’ve been working and vacationing and hanging with my pups and not much else.  I’ve been excited by the good news… like a BFP and a Baby!

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

I feel like I’ve spent way too much time in my life, waiting.  There always seems to be some reason to wait and wait and wait, all before I can act.

There was the wasted year spent waiting on a whole year to go by before I was diagnosed as infertile.

Then there was the 6 months spent waiting on me to go through the IUI process before IVF.

Then the time wasted on the two failed IVFs.

Then the year spent waiting on approval for adoption.

Now, I have to spend time waiting on a phone call…

Either from a job, wanting a second interview.  And if that call comes, and if that job works out, my whole life will have to change, and I’ll have to start the waiting all over again, since it’s in a different state.

And, if that call doesn’t come, I waiting for a call from the adoption people, calling with information about children.  Then, who knows what other kind of waiting there will be.

Does it seem like this to everyone else, or is it just me, where life seems to be just one more period of waiting, one after another.

 

Cracking Up

No, I’m not emotionally or mentally cracking up, though maybe I will be soon.  

All of my technology is cracking up.  Seriously.  My sweet-but-careless stepson stepped on my laptop and cracked my screen.  I have a pretty nice laptop that I saved and saved for, so replacing it is not an easy job since it would cost well over a thousand dollars.

Then, today, for no apparent reason, my cell phone screen cracked. I didn’t drop it or change temperature or anything. I just sat it down in my car the way I’ve done a thousand times before and the screen shattered.

This means that everything I’m looking at lately, for work and for typically personal, fun type of internet use, is distorted.

I wonder if it means something, like if the universe is sending me a message, or if it’s just that I’m seeing meaning in coincidence.

In adoption news: there is no news.  No phone calls.  Nada.

In life news: I have a phone interview this week.  I’m so nervous about it, and I’m even more nervous if I actually get the job.  It would mean so, so, so much change and so much change quickly.  I don’t do well with quick changes.  I would say to wish me luck, but I don’t know if I mean it.  

Maybe just wish me clarity…

Give Me Patience

I’m not a religious person, but since I have been raised in the Bible belt, I know a thing or two about religion.  In fact, I just took those Pew research surveys that were all the rage last week on Fac.ebook and got a 100% on the religion quiz.

Anywho, as I am not a religious person, I’ve not been inducted into formalized praying, you know night time prayers and praying for sick folks.  My family is more of the “my thoughts are with you” and lemme-bring-you-a-casserole persuasion.  That being said, all day today, I’ve been thinking, “oh, please give me patience.  Let me be able to wait for the right child to come into my life.  Patience, yeah.  I need a little patience,” which is the closest I ever come to praying. Seriously, that thought or one like it has been on a loop, in the back of my head, ever since I got an email from my counselor today.

See, we went on AdoptUsKids and looked at some of the kids there.  I wrote my counselor to ask about them, and she wrote back, really quickly, with details.  None, not one, of those kids is a good fit for our family (we have other kids and two, small, sweet doggies).  My counselor, who is a sweet, sweet person, reminded me, kindly, to be patient.

So, I’m trying.

BTW, if you want to see some funny/disturbing stuff, goo.gle “Give Me Patience.”  Most of the image results show images of little pictures like this one:

“I have a baby”

A friend of mine, who knows about my struggle with IVF and adoption stuff, can be somewhat of an arse.  Today, he was trying to get out of some work thing we all hate, but we all have to go to. When I said, “why do you think you don’t have to go?”  He replied, “I have a baby.”

I laughed and told him that he also had a stay at home wife and to get over his self.

What I should have said was:

I had to go to this exact same function last year, with my purse full of tampons and pads that were barely keeping the menstruation cylce that I’d paid $15,000 for from ruining my clothes and announcing my failure to get pregnant to the world, all while trying not to cry and smiling at everyone’s lame jokes and mild complaints about being there.

Okay, so I guess my first reply was better.  But sometimes, writing mean thoughts down helps.

I saw a quote today at yoga that I’m going to try to remember:  “Before you speak, ask yourself, Is is kind? Is it necessary?  Does it improve the silence?”  Seems like a good thing to remember.  Now, if i could just keep my brain from thinking snarky replies.

We’re APPROVED

Yippeee! We’re officially done with the homestudy!

NIAW Week — It Takes Time

Last year, I had this whole planned out post for NIAW.  I’d thought of it earlier and saved it up. Not long after that post, I found out my second IVF hadn’t worked, and not much long after that, I decided that we were completely finished with ART for trying to have a family.

It’s weird, then, to think that one entire year later, I’m still in the exact same place, as far as being a mom is concerned.  I’m not pregnant (no magic pregnancy for me).  I’m not fostering or visiting with any kids to adopt.  I’m just still here, blogging, reading blogs and thinking about what my life might be like if I were a mom. 

So, I think that this week is about increasing awareness and discussion of infertility. One thing I think that gets ignored is how much TIME this takes and how the TIME starts to really wear you down.  Just today, I read Esperanza’s post about the effect that time had on her and her emotions.  IN fact, I went through my reader and almost every single post discussed time, in some way or another.

The time that this terrible-ness of infertility takes from us who struggle with it, well, it really can’t be measured.  When I started trying to have a baby in 2009, I had NO IDEA that 4 years later, I’d still be here.  As someone with a chronic illness, I think that this long-term process has been a little easier for me to deal with, but it’s still not easy.  I still think sometimes, that maybe, something will happen and a miracle or a magic answer will present itself, even though I know, actually, that it won’t.

The only hope I have is that by next year, hopefully, I’ll be telling a different story.