Powerlessness

 

I’ve been reading IQ84, and I just read this line that struck me: “A state of chronic powerlessness eats away at a person.”  It’s been a sad time this week as we learned about Mo’s loss of Nadav and saw how everyone processed that loss and felt it, all through their own lenses and experiences.   It struck me that so much of this process, of ALI is centered around how powerless we feel.  We’re not in control of our bodies or our bodies’s responses to anything.  We can’t fix what’s wrong with ourselves or save others when their bodies fail them.  We just  feel so damn helpless.

Or, at least I know I do.  I feel so much like no matter what I do, I can’t really do anything.  I’m doing all that the doctors tell me, in hopes that THIS TIME, I’ll have done enough.  But what if it still doesn’t work?  What then?  What next?  I think about adoption, but adoption comes with its own set of challenges and helplessness.

I wonder, as we go through this, if there’s a way we CAN reclaim our power.  I often feel less afraid and stressed and worried after exercising or going to yoga.  I feel more in control at work and as I’m working on my PhD.  But these other feelings undercut those experiences sometimes, as if even when I’m most in power, of my body and my mind, I’m still thwarted by these other feelings of being betrayed by my body.

I don’t really have an answer, this is just something that’s on my mind.

*****

The Metformin and I are getting along fine, except that I’m breaking out like a pre-pubescent girl before the first dance at school.  Stomach has only reacted badly if I didn’t eat much before taking the medication, and the only side effect (other than the acne) I’m having is being REALLY tired at night, like so much so that I’m falling asleep while DH is still getting into bed.  I don’t know, for sure, that has anything to do with Metformin though… I also have a bit of a stuffy head, so maybe it’s sinus stuff.

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Cycle 18, CD 14, 2 DPO

So, I started to write this post and then saw a message that I’d been waiting for.  A friend I knew back in high school had a facebook wall covered in messages of comfort after she’d suffered a loss.  As the messages weren’t clear, I didn’t know quite what had happened.  The messages just before all these were reports of labor during the Super Bowl and a picture of her at 40 weeks +2.  I feared that she’d lost the baby — and she did, which the message confirmed.  The poor little girl was born with the cord around her neck and died.  I’m just devastated for this family.  What a terrible thing to happen.  Losing a pregnancy must be awful at any stage, but I imagine that at that point, the pain feels almost unbearable.

This news made the post I’d been thinking of writing seem a little silly — DH has to go in for his SA on Thursday, and he’s totally not a happy camper.  He hates having to be “on a schedule” for what he thinks should be up to “nature.”   I think he’s also a bit embarrassed — he’ll have to go by himself and it will be obvious what he’s doing there.  I know, I know, women like to think we have it so rough, with all the needles and ultrasounds and x-rays and general prodding… but I can totally see how his experience is going to be just as awful for him.

Anyway, if I’m learning anything about this process, besides patience , it’s empathy, that life is really about perspective and being able to see things the way others might.  I’d always thought I was empathetic before, but this entire experience is, hopefully, really making that even more a part of who I am.

Also, I want to make note of some questions I need to ask the RE about IVF so I don’t leave like I did last time — full of questions I should have asked.

The first one is, if appropriate, why can’t I do mini-IVF?  This sounds like a good plan:

http://infertile.com/infertility-treatments/ivf-in-vitro-fertilization.htm#mini-IVF