I’m watching Tiny Furniture and loving it. Lena Dunham is a genius and lovely. I love that she made the movie without makeup and with makeup and in ill-fitting clothes and uncomfortable conversations and irrational reactions.
I can’t wait to start watching Girls on HBO. It’s going to be like S&TC, but better. And realistic and stuff. Though, I’m guessing, based on the movie, that she’s not going to be real like the kind of real where people worry about paying their bills and going to work, but more realistic like where we get a glimpse of what it’d be like to be privileged and part of an artistic world and still have problems, though not like the kinds of problems that the average person would call a problem. Maybe it will be like a less depressing Sylvia Plath or Girl, Interrupted.
I’m watching this movie because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’ve taken 60 mg of prednisone and 16 mg of medrol and feel like I could run a marathon. Except that I can’t because I’m not supposed to do any aerobic exercise. I have a mild headache and my heart is racing, but not really.
Other than that, 3 dp3dt is terrible. There’s no way to know anything. I meditated today and went to acupuncture and took a nap and made enchiladas, beans and rice and then I made monkey bread and this morning I did a ton of work… but the day IS STILL HAPPENING! AAAAAH!
How am I going to make it through 10 more days if all the days are this long? 10 days seems a bit excessive, yes?
My birthday is coming up this weekend. I’ll be the big 34, and that puts me one year closer to the sacred (or profane, perhaps) 35, when my fertility will be officially declining. I’m trying not to think about that too much. Plus, two of the blogs I follow just got a BFP (Yolk and My Dusty Uterus), so I’m hoping this is a magical time of year and that perigree moon did something.
I’m banning myself from Fertility Friend, especially the TTC with IUI/IVF board. Those ladies there are all so strong and amazing, but I’m scared to read all those stories right now. I think I’m just going to focus on all the next steps and having a nice birthday weekend, with lots of relaxing.
This morning, I woke up feeling fine, then got in the car and almost threw up. I had to jump out of the car and everything, as I was really sure that I was going to puke. I think that is from my progesterone being higher this cycle (I guess from the Clomid?). I know it’s not a pregnancy symptom…. but god, it would be nice if it were.
In other news, I’m listening to Water for Elephants right now, and liking it more than I thought I would.
So, I’m almost done with all these medications and thankfully think that I have made it through with very little to report in the way of problems or side effects. Giving allergy shots for 3 years made me pretty much a pro at the Bravelle, though I was a little nervous, for no reason at all, with the first shot. Today, I was listening to my audio book… and barely even noticed I’d given the shot.
Thursday (day after tomorrow), I go in for my labs and ultrasound. I don’t have any idea what labs they’re doing. I guess some sort of hormone. I’m wondering about this ultrasound and imagine my ovaries being full of lumps that look like M&Ms, with the technician trying to count them and measure them, like a kid does with a handful of M&Ms, saving the green (or blue maybe) ones for last.
I’ve done some silly things today to help there be more follicles — kept my feet warm, exercised (but not too hard), drank whole milk (ick, who can really stand that stuff), and some gentle stretching. Now, let’s hope there are enough–but not too many — follicles for that trigger shot and then some really, really good luck.
In other weird news, I had a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth yesterday and today. I worried it was from avoiding carbs, so had a piece of candy. It’s still there, not as bad, but definitely still there. Maybe a side effect of Clomid? Or, maybe I’m getting a sinus infection! Who knows???
So, all-in-all Clomid has not been bad. I got all weepy Friday night, but that happens without the medication too, so… I give this protocol a thumbs up so far. My headaches are still occuring each morning, but nothing a little Tylenol can’t fix.
My psoriasis is doing so great. I don’t know why, other than I’ve been sleeping regular hours and exercising. I also have been using some organic shampoo/shower gel stuff on my face and legs (the only bad places right now), so maybe that’s the secret stuff? Either way, I’m so excited to be doing this well in March! By summertime, I hope it’s like it doesn’t exist. It’d be nice to have a summer off from psoriasis, like I did a few years ago (the year I met DH actually).
I quit doing that Atkins thing as low carbs as I was (I was trying for around 25). It just goes against all reason that I have to worry about how many carrots I can have. So, I’m just being really good — avoiding junk food and exercising and still watching carbs, especially in the bread and dessert forms! And, still done some; yesterday I thought I had lost 7 but today it looks more like 5 or 6. I have a crappy scale that’s hard to read — good when I’m up a few pounds I don’t want to know about and bad when I’m wishing I could see every ounce I’m losing!
So far, Clomid is treating me fine. I don’t think I’m having any side effects… but then again I’ve only taken 1 pill.
Emotionally, though, I think I’m waging a battle inside of myself. I keep thinking that there’s no reason to really get my hopes up this time, since it’s not like this time is that much different than any other time. But, then, I read some story or think about the science of what I’m doing and think that, of course, this will work. How could it not? He has sperms that swim. I have an ovary that seems to make eggs. They are helping me make even more eggs, and they’re going to make sure that I have a uterine lining ready to support a little bean. That sounds like a good plan, right? Right?
But even when people get already fertilized embryos put right inside their uterus, sometimes that doesn’t work. Why not? Why on the 3rd time but not the 2nd? Why on the 1st time for one person and never for the next?
It’s just all so perplexing. I just can’t make sense of it all right now. I know I’m supposed to “Think Positive” and “Just Relax.” Yes, yes, that’s what I’m doing 23. 75 hours of the day. Right now, I’m taking 15 minutes to just let myself be completely bewildered by how all of this works out (or doesn’t) for us.
In other news, I figured out how to add a blog roll. Look at me blogging, Mom! Look at me!
So, woah, that was a quick one. I went from 9 days of spotting and 12 days of gut wrenching pain in Cycle 18 to one day of spotting, one heavier day of spotting with red stuff to BAM!! full on period. So, here I am at CD 1 (or 2) in Cycle 20. I’m counting this as CD 1 because it makes all this taking the med stuff more clear since I’m now officially starting ovarian stimulation.
I go for a baseline ultrasound tomorrow. Hello, Wandy! I’ve had those before when I had a dermoid cyst. They made me feel like a boat and the sonographer was the one controlling the rudder — and man, was she making some sharp turns. They’re not terribly fun, but they’re not painful.
Then it’s Clomid on Wednesday to Sunday, Bravelle on Monday to Wednesday, then another ultrasound, and a trigger shot. It’s started! Holy Moly, finally, something’s started.
Oh, still on Atkins and hating it. All I want is chips, lots and lots of chips. Salsa and chips, chips and cheese, sour cream and onion chips, BBQ chips… just chips. Instead, I guess I’ll have another slice of chicken. Bleh.
Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day! I’ve gotta a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way!
Well, not really, but it certainly is a beautiful day, and I’m taking the entire day, if I want to, to enjoy every single minute of it. Right now, I have all the blinds up, sunshine streaming in, and work out clothes on. As soon as it’s a little warmer, I’m heading out for a walk, then hope to be on a canoe later with DH.
The RE appointment comes up on TUESDAY! I can’t believe how soon that is, and I’m just going to think that that appointment will bring good things my way.