“I have a baby”

A friend of mine, who knows about my struggle with IVF and adoption stuff, can be somewhat of an arse.  Today, he was trying to get out of some work thing we all hate, but we all have to go to. When I said, “why do you think you don’t have to go?”  He replied, “I have a baby.”

I laughed and told him that he also had a stay at home wife and to get over his self.

What I should have said was:

I had to go to this exact same function last year, with my purse full of tampons and pads that were barely keeping the menstruation cylce that I’d paid $15,000 for from ruining my clothes and announcing my failure to get pregnant to the world, all while trying not to cry and smiling at everyone’s lame jokes and mild complaints about being there.

Okay, so I guess my first reply was better.  But sometimes, writing mean thoughts down helps.

I saw a quote today at yoga that I’m going to try to remember:  “Before you speak, ask yourself, Is is kind? Is it necessary?  Does it improve the silence?”  Seems like a good thing to remember.  Now, if i could just keep my brain from thinking snarky replies.

NIAW Week — It Takes Time

Last year, I had this whole planned out post for NIAW.  I’d thought of it earlier and saved it up. Not long after that post, I found out my second IVF hadn’t worked, and not much long after that, I decided that we were completely finished with ART for trying to have a family.

It’s weird, then, to think that one entire year later, I’m still in the exact same place, as far as being a mom is concerned.  I’m not pregnant (no magic pregnancy for me).  I’m not fostering or visiting with any kids to adopt.  I’m just still here, blogging, reading blogs and thinking about what my life might be like if I were a mom. 

So, I think that this week is about increasing awareness and discussion of infertility. One thing I think that gets ignored is how much TIME this takes and how the TIME starts to really wear you down.  Just today, I read Esperanza’s post about the effect that time had on her and her emotions.  IN fact, I went through my reader and almost every single post discussed time, in some way or another.

The time that this terrible-ness of infertility takes from us who struggle with it, well, it really can’t be measured.  When I started trying to have a baby in 2009, I had NO IDEA that 4 years later, I’d still be here.  As someone with a chronic illness, I think that this long-term process has been a little easier for me to deal with, but it’s still not easy.  I still think sometimes, that maybe, something will happen and a miracle or a magic answer will present itself, even though I know, actually, that it won’t.

The only hope I have is that by next year, hopefully, I’ll be telling a different story.

Waiting To Scan

So, finally after 11 long days of patiently waiting on my counselor person to get in touch with me, I caved and emailed her.  

See, on April 12, I wrote to check on things, heeding the advice that it’s not good to be “forgotten.”  She said, then, that all we were waiting on is signatures.  As I work in education, I realize that sounds easier than it actually is.

Then, I heard nothing. I think I was supposed to just wait.  Today, I just couldn’t though.  

I found out that all they’re waiting to do now is scan us into some system so that we can be seen statewide and considered by workers across the state.

I’m so excited to know what we are, finally, actually done with an entire step.  I wish there were a way to find out what is next, like not a general feeling, like I wish I had a crystal ball and that I could see into the future.

In other news… the friend I was talking about earlier, well today, she found out she’s pregnant from her very first IVF.  I feel so happy for her, so relieved that one of us, finally, has some really great and positive news.  I guess I think of infertility as a big mean kid and every time one of us beats it, it’s a victory for the good and kind and sweet people in the world. 

A Plague on (my) House

This week, starting tomorrow, I’ll be teaching Romeo + Juliet, the modern film version with Leo Decaprio and Claire Danes.  The most memorable and excellent character from this production is Mercutio, played by Harold Perrineau, who really, really gets it when he is cursing Romeo and Tybalt, casting a “plague on both their houses.”

I think this is interesting timing because, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that I had been similarly cursed.  In the past two months, I’ve had a flu-like illness, followed up by either the worse bronchitis of my life or walking pneumonia. Now, I have a red, itchy and uncomfortable rash on my face and neck, which has been so un-helpfully diagnosed by an Urgent Care doc, who didn’t even talk to me before prescribing medication (steroid shot, oral prednisone) as contact dermatitis. Since I haven’t changed soaps and I don’t wear makeup, I’m not sure what I “contacted” that only touched my face.  And, so far, I’m not any better than I was on Saturday when I went to the doctor in the first place.  My derm’s office said to give the steroids a few more days.

And, today, I came home to find my sweet little dog with disgusting bloody diarrhea, again from unknown causes, that I have to treat with pepto bismal and denying food and water.

I realize NONE of these are a big deal, and that I should be thankful that these are all, in the grand scheme of things, at the most, minor inconveniences, but damn, I just feel beleaguered today.

Nothing’s going on…

So, my new foray into foster-to-adoption land has lead me to realize that time moves at a very different rate in this situation than in others. 

We had our final home study visit on March 17.  We were told it’d take 4-6 weeks for all the stuff to be finalized, then we’d be officially done with the paperwork.

The family and friends that know about the adoption spend a good bit of time asking me “How’s the adoption going?”  Most of the time, my answer is “Fine, I suppose.  Nothing’s going on right at this moment.”  I guess people are used to pregnancy… when a woman finds out she’s pregnant, life becomes a flurry of “next up is …” and markers that have meaning (trimesters and such).  

For adoptive moms, we don’t really have those, so people, including me, don’t know what to say.  How do you explain that someone, somewhere, is writing up a document about your ability to parent?  Then, that document will be put into a computer somewhere and then some child(ren)’s similar document will be matched by a computer or a counselor, and THEN something will actually happen.

Until then, nothing’s going on.

In other news, one of my friends from Fer.tility Frie.nd (I used to be on there, but it made me sad.  Literally, EVERYONE ELSE was getting pregnant), is going through her first IVF.  She just went through retrieval and now I’m really hoping her embryos are growing and multiplying.  She’s been on this boat for 4 years now… let’s hope she finally gets to shore!

Weird Blind Data, AKA First home study interview

Okay, so I kind of feel like I just went on the weirdest blind date ever, except there was no dinner or drinks.

Back to where we left off last time:

The rat remained unfound.  The smell went away, though, so we’re counting this as the best possible outcome that doesn’t involve ripping apart our entire house.  My hope is that the creature was under the house, not in the attic, and that the smell was just so bad that we could smell it all over the house.

And, we passed our house inspection.  There is lead paint in the shutters outside that we will have to eventually get rid of, but other than that, there was nothing to worry about.  Since DH  was here for that inspection, I didn’t get a firsthand report, but that’s what he said the inspector said.

Today, it was the first homestudy visit.  The counselor person came over and asked a bunch of questions, like you would on a first date, but they were way more personal.  Since the questions were about us and our lives, I’m pretty sure it’s not like I could have given wrong answers.  Still, it was so weird. I had never met this person before and she was asking me about what I did in high school, what my relationship with my ex-husband was like, and what my stepchildren like to do.  I know that’s what they’re supposed to do and that’s it’s actually good, but for someone private like me, it was very uncomfortable.

But, the good news is DH and the kids will be over for the next visit, so they can do all the talking.  I think after Sunday’s visit, we’re done with all the getting ready stuff.  I have to admit that I’m glad this part is almost done.