I’ll write this post in two sections — the before and after.
Tomorrow, we go for our WTF (Why The Fail, a translation for those faint of heart) appointment. I have some prediction for what the RE will say/recommend:
- Donor eggs
- Surrogacy (technically, gestational carrier)
- Just do it again — it’ll work… eventually. Blather, blather, 66% of couples, blather, blather, 3 IVF tries.
I just don’t think I’m going to do any of those. Here’s my reason why, in order:
- Why would donor eggs help? It’s my body that’s killing my perfectly good embryos.
- Yes, surrogacy would increase our chances. But I’ve only made 3-5 eggs, which means it would be a ONE SHOT deal. That’d be fine if it cost a reasonable amount of money. It doesn’t. We’d be paying completely out-of-pocket, which would be about $50,000 from what I’ve seen online.
- Do it again? I don’t think I can. Emotionally, I’m done. I have zero hope and positive energy left for my body’s ability to carry a child. Physically, it’s really hard. I hate the hormones raging and falling. I still have lumps in my butt. My skin is flaring, though thankfully not as bad as last time. Monetarily, we’re wiped. I can’t justify spending one more penny on something that has so little chance of success. We’re not millionaires, and we don’t have money to keep throwing into my ovaries/butt. 🙂
So, there’s where I am today, the day before. I’ll update once I see the RE tomorrow, though I think not much will have changed.
I have already had my period, which was a relief. Last time, it took over a week to start and it was REALLY painful.
Well, I was right. Those were the three suggestions. For the do it again, the RE said that if I did it again, I’d do the lupron stuff in addition to the antagonist protocol. I don’t know what that means. Also, the spotting I had on both that went away probably indicates that the embryos tried to implant and then stopped growing. As I expected.
Once we mentioned surrogacy, that was it for the discussion of me getting pregnant. I really think the RE doesn’t believe my immune system will let me get pregnant. It’s just stopping anything from growing and developing. Damn you ridiculous immune system. Didn’t you get the memo?
Anyway, DH and I talked about the surrogacy option, but it just seems too complicated. Using an agency is too expensive ($25 – 50 grand). Finding a family member or friend sounds great, until you think about how that would really work out. What if she got pre-eclampsia? What if she blamed me for some issue that was created during the pregnancy? What if, and this is the big one, we spend another $15 – 20 grand and she still doesn’t get pregnant? Or miscarries? What kind of guilt and hard feelings might that create? It’s just too expensive and too risky.
After a brief, but good, conversation with DH, I think we’re going to move towards adoption and adoption through fostering. This is a new plan and one that I need to spend more time with, but it’s a plan I feel most drawn to right now.
So… after is just like before, except this time, I feel like I can actually make a plan. That plan may change, my world may take over my plans, but I can at least make a plan and move forward.
Now… to figure that plan out!