IVF #2, 10 dp3dt, Don’t Ignore Infertility… or Present It in a Stupid Way

I think it was Mel from who recently wrote a post about infertility being like a video game. I say think because I read about it on another person’s blog, and I can’t remember whose blog it was — this person had written a funny response about how each level of infertility treatment you go up another level.  (If anyone read that too and can remember, please send me the link so I can update here).

I mention this because today I reached a whole new level of infertility crazies.  Yesterday, I was so upset by the practically nonexistent spotting (which was seriously not much) and the negative pregnancy test yesterday.  Today, I woke up and the last 2 HPTs I have left in the house were calling my name.  DH is gone to work for the day, I’m at home working, so no one would even have to know… I was sitting here thinking about how it couldn’t be THAT big of a deal if I used one today and one tomorrow.

Then, I remembered yesterday.  Lying in bed.  Crying.  Texting DH that it was over and that I was never going to be pregnant.  Then, no more spotting.  Nothing for the rest of the day.  Still feel the same as I have all week.  Absolutely no way to tell if this is or isn’t happening this time or not.

So I went into the drawer, opened the HPTs and dipped them in leftover tea and put them in the trashcan.  Then, I cleaned out the fridge, dumping all the contents on top of the dipped-in-tea-HPTs, and took the trash bag outside.

So, yeah, I think I just won the Crazy Things You Do While Dealing with Infertility level of this game.

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The rest of this post is about the NIAW week for bloggers.  This is the post I’ve been wanting to write for weeks, and I saved it up for this week.

NIAW is about how we shouldn’t ignore infertility. I totally agree with this and this cycle, I’ve been much more open about what I’m going through (with selected friends and family only) because I think it’s good for these people to know that I’ve not exactly been having an easy time of it lately.  So, I completely agree that ignoring infertility is a bad thing.

But, even worse than ignoring I think, is presenting it in a really stupid way, like we see on shows like Glee — where the 50+ woman gets pregnant on her first IVF using eggs she supposedly froze in 1970s and kept in a freezer at Kroger.  Or, maybe on Big Love, where multiple women were “tricked” into IVF procedures where they didn’t even know that they were being impregnated and only had to take one shot in the leg.  Or those stupid Hallmark movies where the woman, infertile of course, is so desperate for a child that she steals some other lady’s baby.  Or those so completely overused plot line about the adopted child who spends years and years dying to find their birth parent.  Oh, and in Once Upon a Time, with the adoptive evil stepmother and the birthmother who has to save her child.

These stories are just awful.  They’re not real.  They’re not helpful.  They’re hurtful.  What’s the reality?  Sue Sylvester would have had only about a 10% with her IVF cycle and would likely have had to do multiple cycles with DONOR EGGS.  The Big Love plot was so dumb that there is no real version of it.  Infertile women are not baby stealers.  We want our own children and we work hard to get them, through ART or adoption.  And, while I’m sure that adopted children are curious about their birth parents, I’m even more sure — since I’ve known adopted parents and kids alike– that adopted children love their adopted family and are more like Steven Jobs than the tired plot used over and over again in TV shows  and adopted parents are most of the time wonderful, loving people who love their children — not evil witches.

So, for this week, I think we should focus on not ignoring the VERY REAL elements of infertility… like the crazy stuff I did this morning and the terrible feelings I had yesterday and the wonderful feeling we’re all looking for… like Belle over at Scrambled Eggs is having.  I’m so happy for her and Pip.

IVF #2, Pi Day

How wonderful is it that we have an entire day devoted to Pi?  It’s one of the coolest things that I just found out about.

In IVF about to start land, I’ve forgotten 2 BCP and 2 Metformins this cycle, including the ones last night.  Actually last night, I didn’t forget.  I was just so tired that once I was in bed, I couldn’t make myself get back up to take the pills, no matter how important they were.  Today, I was SO ANGRY and upset and frustrated (over nothing.  really). that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stay at work. I’m really worried that if I already feel this emotionally distressed, and I haven’t even started stims yet, that things are going to be pretty awful this cycle, in terms of emotional health. Maybe I can get a prescription for calmness and happiness too.  Does that come in a 1 X a day shot, like the PIO?

I only have 14 more days of BCP, then it’s time for stims starting on March 31.  That seems so, so soon.  I am haunted lately by the first IVF and its failure.  I keep thinking of how maybe I did something wrong after the transfer–I really, really, really had to pee. It was so awful that I was almost in tears.  Even using the bedpan didn’t help because I was so embarrassed and worried about overflowing the bedpan that I didn’t let enough pee out.  Plus, I’d done the acupuncture, which (and I hope I don’t offend anyone here) felt silly to me, so I was covered in tiny pins, completely stressed about having to pee, and fighting back tears and shame all at the same time.  Is that what made the embies not stick?  What if that happens again? Can I ask to not drink all the water?  My uterus is backwards (retro or something is the real word, but I forgot what the doc called it) Oh, the joys of infertility.

I think I’m going to watch Captain Kirk now.  He can fix anything (eventually).

Oh, go check out Jay’s blog if you want some fun and happiness today.  She’s so wonderful.

 

Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So, it’s 10:14 AM, and I’ve already had a horrible day.  Here’s a recap:

  • I went to the gym.  Even though I’ve eaten ONLY fruits, vegetables, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese, nuts and protein supplement for 8 days — and not much of those, I’ve only lost about 5 pounds.  I’ve also exercised for about 45 -60 minutes per day.  And today, I’d gained about a pound since Saturday. WHAT THE F(&* IS UP WITH THAT?
  • I got in a fight with my DH.  A big one.  Then we made up, at least I hope so.
  • I’m about to ovulate…but see point above.  We’re not really “make up sex” kind of people.
  • I just paid $3400 for an IVF cycle that I’m totally not sure will work.
  • My foot huts.
  • My hair looks weird today
  • I don’t like my outfit
  • I just found out that I have to drive 6 hours on Saturday for a class that I’m sure will not benefit me at all.

I’m going to work, for 2 hours, then I’m coming home and taking a break.  I can’t handle today today.  Maybe tomorrow today will be better.

There will be time, there will be time

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;         25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;         30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

That quote above is from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” one of my all time favorite poems.  It’s so sad and so frustrating, yet also so beautiful and lyrical.

I was thinking of this poem because we changed our minds about the IVF cycle and decided to do the March/April cycle instead of the January/February one.  There are many reasons, but I guess these are the main ones:

  • I’m still 10 pounds (instead of 15, yay!) heavier than when I started the first IVF.  That is still about 50 pounds over where I should be and where I’d be happiest.
  • I still have this dream/hope/unrealistic notion that maybe I can get pregnant without IVF, and I’d have only had one chance to try that idea out if we do the January cycle.  Doing the March instead means we have November, December  and January to try.  Yes, I know that I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) and that I should be anxious about time.  But I have to also not be too hasty.
  • Partly money.  Doing IVF right now means we’d be completely strapped until February next year.  That’s not comfortable.
  • Mostly TIME.  I’m going to try to graduate in May.  That means I have to collect all my data and write 3 chapters of my dissertation by March and defend BY April.  The sooner the better with all that dissertation stuff though, since potentially, I’ll spend most of March and April in IVF land.  When I think back to this summer, I can’t really remember what IVF was like.  It’s like my brain is refusing to capture all of that. I do remember that it took a lot of time.
“There will be time, there will be time…”  Who knew that time would start to seem so short already, that I’d feel like I’m running out of time for my own life.  I’m 34, not 94, but I still feel like I don’t have enough time in my life for all the things I want to have happen in my life.
 I’ll be  in the official 35 and over category the next time I’m going into that egg retrieval/egg transfer phase and get to hear all the statistics about that.  Probably means she’ll put every embryo that happens back up in there and I’ll end up as the new Kate.  If that happens, I’m definitely getting a personal trainer and a chef.  I wanna look good on E!

2 Answers, Many Questions

So, I had been wondering if my friend, who was trying to get pregnant, was pregnant.  She is.

My other friend, who has fibromyalgia, has been trying since last summer or the summer before… and she’s pregnant now too.   She just announced it on FB by talking about how much she hated her first trip to BabiesRUs.  There are worst ways to let people know, I guess.

So those questions have been answered.  But the ones I’m really interested in are still out there.  Ones like:

  • Should I do IVF in January or March?   (the reason for this question follows)
  • Can a person with a messed up tube, the start of diminished ovarian reserve,  and a bunch of blood mutations get pregnant WITHOUT IVF?
  • Should I go back and see the doctor again to ask her those two questions?  (Like her answer will be anything other than, “January,” and “No!! The reason why I told you last time to do IVF in January is because you are all kinds of to’ up and need some help. Big Help!”).
  • Why is my tooth still hurting?  Could cold sensitivity that develops after a filling be anything other than something that needs a root canal? (That one just keeps sneaking in there, even when I’m trying to think of other things.  Aching teeth are so annoying.  I refuse to ask Dr. Google because I’m scared of the answer).
  • How many more people will get pregnant before I even try my second IVF?
  • How does one go about finding/funding a surrogate?  Can I just put an ad up on Craiglist? Would it say:  Womb needed.  Must be nonsmoker and willing to quit drinking for 10 months or so.  Must be willing to get knocked up by my husband and me, but we’ll pay you for it.  As we are not rich, we can pay you with tree cutting services, nursing, cobbler/cookie making, and editing?
Well, those are the ones I have right now.  For real, I’ve tried googling MHTFR + blood clotting disorders and PREGNANT, but most of them lead me to ladies discussing IVF.  I’m guess if you add in my other two factors (busted up ole lefty tube and decreasing numbers of eggs), and you get a slim chance at best.
If I were on Big Love Season 4, Dr. Rocket would have had me knocked up without me having to do anything except take one progesterone shot.  He’s good like that.

3 Days Till Doomsday

I go into find out the news of my bloodwork on Friday.  I’m so worried that the RE’s going to say that I’m so completely fucked up that there’s no help for me.  I can’t even think about what all could be wrong — killer cells,  clotting factors, MTHFR (or something like that), ANA, TNF,  and a whole bunch of other letters that mean my immune system just doesn’t work right.

I woke up this morning and felt like someone had dropped a brick on my head.  Now, I think I have a cold.  Can worry cause you to get a cold?  I bet it can.

Some good reading out there now:  Hanna Wept, Sarah Laughed

And, just because today feels pretty heavy…

8d3dt: Spotting begins

So I know that spotting can be normal and expected and happen even while taking the progesterone shots.  I know that in my head.

But in my heart, the spotting signals the end. It has come every other time before I started my period and wasn’t pregnant, so why would this time be different?

I’m so utterly sad.  I am trying to hold on to hope that maybe I’m just dead wrong and we’ll get some wonderful news on Wednesday.  It just seems so unlikely though.

DH says stay positive.  Imagine the little embryos burying their way into my lining and hanging on, about to grow and grow and grow.  I’m trying to do that, I really am.  But thoughts of how it will feel on Wednesday to hear that this didn’t work keep breaking up this vision.  I am just going to get some work done and try not to think about any of this at all.