Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So, it’s 10:14 AM, and I’ve already had a horrible day.  Here’s a recap:

• I went to the gym.  Even though I’ve eaten ONLY fruits, vegetables, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese, nuts and protein supplement for 8 days — and not much of those, I’ve only lost about 5 pounds.  I’ve also exercised for about 45 -60 minutes per day.  And today, I’d gained about a pound since Saturday. WHAT THE F(&* IS UP WITH THAT?
• I got in a fight with my DH.  A big one.  Then we made up, at least I hope so.
• I’m about to ovulate…but see point above.  We’re not really “make up sex” kind of people.
• I just paid $3400 for an IVF cycle that I’m totally not sure will work.
• My foot huts.
• My hair looks weird today
• I don’t like my outfit
• I just found out that I have to drive 6 hours on Saturday for a class that I’m sure will not benefit me at all.

I’m going to work, for 2 hours, then I’m coming home and taking a break.  I can’t handle today today.  Maybe tomorrow today will be better.

Cycle 20, CD 17, 3 (or 4) DPO, 5 DPT

My birthday is coming up this weekend.  I’ll be the big 34, and that puts me one year closer to the sacred (or profane, perhaps) 35, when my fertility will be officially declining.  I’m trying not to think about that too much.  Plus, two of the blogs I follow just got a BFP (Yolk and My Dusty Uterus), so I’m hoping this is a magical time of year and that perigree moon did something.

I’m banning myself from Fertility Friend, especially the TTC with IUI/IVF board. Those ladies there are all so strong and amazing, but I’m scared to read all those stories right now. I think I’m just going to focus on all the next steps and having a nice birthday weekend, with lots of relaxing.

This morning, I woke up feeling fine, then got in the car and almost threw up. I had to jump out of the car and everything, as I was really sure that I was going to puke. I think that is from my progesterone being higher this cycle (I guess from the Clomid?). I know it’s not a pregnancy symptom…. but god, it would be nice if it were.

In other news, I’m listening to Water for Elephants right now, and liking it more than I thought I would.

Cycle 20, CD 15, 1 DPO(?), and 3 Days Past Trigger

So, here it is — 1 day past when I’ve decided to mark ovulation so that on April 1, I’ll be 12 DPO and 14 days past the trigger shot.  Part of our instructions are to have intercourse (or as the nurse on the phone called it: time for us to “be together”) today.  Well, it turns out that today is not such a good day for that.  We’ve both been busy all day.  I left for work at 6:45 AM and got home at 8:15 PM.  DH is STILL at work (at 9:15 PM).  He called to tell me that he can’t come home for a while, and I reminded him that today is the day by asking him if he had on his business socks like from this song:

Hopefully, we won’t be too tired later. We can take this advice to heart:  “two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven.”

I guess I should go take a bath and relax a bit… and get ready for business time.

Cycle 19, CD 11

Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day!  I’ve gotta a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way!

Well, not really, but it certainly is a beautiful day, and I’m taking the entire day, if I want to, to enjoy every single minute of it.  Right now, I have all the blinds up, sunshine streaming in, and work out clothes on.  As soon as it’s a little warmer, I’m heading out for a walk, then hope to be on a canoe later with DH.

The RE appointment comes up on TUESDAY!  I can’t believe how soon that is, and I’m just going to think that that appointment will bring good things my way.

Cycle 19, CD 4, 10 Days before RE appt

So, as I have not bled, spotted, or cramped for the past 12 hours, I’m pretty sure I can say that all the craziness has subsided.

As I type this, I wait for the lightning to strike my computer….

I have decided to not get an ultrasound done at all and count last week as a horror induced by HSG + stress.  I don’t want to miss work on Monday so someone can shove Wandy (name stolen from Elphaba over at yolk.  I should learn how to link!) up inside of me and say everything looks fine.  If the RE and OB/GYN thought I’d be fine to wait until Monday, I think I’ll be fine to wait until March 1.  If the RE still wants a peek up in there, she can do that when I’ll be there.

I decided I didn’t hate the RE’s office  anymore once the nurse on the phone told me that she bet I did feel frustrated.  Sometimes, I really think that’s all people want to hear — that someone is actually listening to them.  It reminded me of a blog that I read recently, linked to from someone else’s blog.  It’s a good post though, one worth reading, and written from a man’s POV, something I don’t see very often.

I obviously don’t know what I’m doing with blogging, since other people can just have one word and it goes to another page, and I have to have this whole address.

http://smarshyboy.blogspot.com/2006/09/happiest-infertile-on-block.html

Cycle 18, CD 17, 5DPO, 2nd day of spotting!

So, I’m writing just to vent. I’m spotting for the second day today, just 5 days after when I guess I ovulated and only 17 days after my last period (and therefore about 9 days BEFORE my period is due).  If I spot for 9 days, I’m going to be just plan annoyed.  And, if I get my period, then this will be my third period since the start of 2011.  3 periods in under 45 days is just not right.

I hope it’s just some weird fluke, my body goes back to “normal” and this is it.  Of course, though, I’m worried it “means” something.  What could it mean, really?  Anything other than we need to look into IVF?  We’re already doing that…

In other news, DH did his SA on Thursday.  He decided to be a good sport about it all and had me in stitches when he told me all about his appointment, which began with a sign in chart that had patients with the last names of “Stokes” (strokes) right above a patient named “Johnson.”  Oh, the fun of infertility!  We could go on tour.

Cycle 18, CD 9, Day after HSG

So, I went for my HSG yesterday.  The left tube was mostly blocked (“occluded” to the medical terminology minded folks out there).  The right one is fine.  This is not the official report, but it’s what the radiologist (not the tech, the actual radiologist) said during the procedure.

The HSG was really no big deal — from start to finish, I was only at the place for 40 minutes, most of that time spent in the waiting room.  There was some mild cramping during the procedure, and the cramps were moderate later in the evening.  Nothing a dose of 600 mg of Advil couldn’t fix though.

DH has been really awesome during all of this.  I’m saying this, here, not to brag or boast about him, but to have a “physical” reminder that he really does care and can be considerate, no matter what I might be thinking during those moments when I feel low or out of sorts.

I have an appointment set up for March 1, when DH’s second semen analysis should be back.  I guess we’ll make a plan then.  With subfertile sperm numbers, possible autoimmune complications, and a blocked tube, I’m 90% sure we’ll be doing IVF.  So, now, I’m going to find lots of blogs about IVF so I can really understand this stuff.  I’m starting to see why people love blogs so, so much.

Cycle 17, Somedays after O

So I had a moment of clarity, not in the AA or NA sense of that phrase though, the other day when I realized that I just need to write more, to just write and let it out and not censor or worry about how I’m feeling or how I think I should be feeling.  It’s just not working to pretend all the time, or to bottle everything up just so I erupt crazily on poor DH.

Today, I feel pretty good.  I’ve found a lot of blogs to look at and have added them to my bookmarks.  I need to figure out all this following and commenting stuff, but not today.  Today, I’m going to watch Nim’s Island and drink tea and relax before I do dishes and post a bunch of quizzes for all of my classes.

I think I’m a few days after ovulation, but I haven’t really kept track.  My BBs are SUPER sensitive, and I have a lot of CM.  I guess that makes me 4 or 5 DPO.  I’m due for my period on Jan. 25 or Jan. 26, which puts me having that HSG on Feb. 2.  I guess I’ll have to miss a day of work for that, total PITA.

Oh, things with DH are much, much better.  This whole getting pregnant thing is stressful.

Complete Nightmare

So, I went to the RE today.  She ordered a bunch of tests, and said she expects we’ll have to go straight to IVF.  I did not take this news well.

I called my mom, who just babbled on about how it would all be okay.

DH, of course, is still sick and was at work.  When he came home, he asked how it went. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk about it.  Of course, he got all huffy, then did that thing where he just shuts down. I tried to tell him about it. He said “I’m sorry that the visit was hard for you.”

I HATE those kinds of statements — those things that pretend to be apologies but aren’t.  So I told him that, which pretty much killed the conversation.  He refused to listen to anything else I said, and started saying really awful things himself.  He can be so absolutely mean and completely lacking in compassion.

I really hate what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know that I want to do this anymore with him.