Crazy Train

Well, well, well, folks, just in case you were wondering, the crazy train of IF never really stops, does it?  I spotted (light, brownish pink) for 4 days and haven’t had any spotting for 2 days.  I actually considered buying a pregnancy test this morning.

I’m not really late yet (I don’t think, haven’t been keeping track), so I’m not going to bother buying anything.  But I still THOUGHT about it.

“Going off the rails on a crazy train…”

ETA:  I started my period about 4 hours after I wrote this, of course.

IVF #2, +842 Days, -8 Days

So, there’s this website where you can create these little tickers.  I do not advise going to this website, as it will likely depress you, as it did me, unless you’re in that beautiful 1st year phase of trying to have a wee little one.  Since I started in 2009 (YES! 2009!), I put in my information into the ticker and it said that I’d been trying for 842 days.  God, that’s a depressing number, isn’t it?  I’m 842 days into something that other people don’t even think about “we weren’t even trying!” etc, etc…

I’m also 8 days away from stopping these awful BCP.  I’ve been cramping and spotting and breakthrough bleeding for days now (4 or 5).  It’s so annoying and pretty uncomfortable.  I go for my check in with Wandy on March 31 and will start stims that day. I don’t remember what meds I’ll be on, so I’ll have to post that later.

If things ever work out for me in the having children part of my life (and I chose the word if on purpose), I promise to never, ever say or agree with someone who says that having children is THE most important thing and that there’s NOTHING like it.  I think that is the way many people feel, but after this struggle and with the constant almost grieving that I’ve been doing for getting pregnant or having children, I believe there are things that are JUST as important as having children, and while there may not be anything like having children, there are many other wonderful things out there.

Oscars and 2nd IVF

So, the big news is that the Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow.  I saw The Iron Lady in theaters this past weekend and was simply blown away by Meryl Streep.  She’s amazing, awe-inspiring even.

And, in not so big news, I’ve started spotting.  I predict that I’ll be calling to start the 2nd IVF this week.  I told DH that he should be excited — soon, I’ll be on BCP.  We can have sex anytime we want without the fear of getting pregnant (ha).

There will be time, there will be time

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;         25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;         30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

That quote above is from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” one of my all time favorite poems.  It’s so sad and so frustrating, yet also so beautiful and lyrical.

I was thinking of this poem because we changed our minds about the IVF cycle and decided to do the March/April cycle instead of the January/February one.  There are many reasons, but I guess these are the main ones:

  • I’m still 10 pounds (instead of 15, yay!) heavier than when I started the first IVF.  That is still about 50 pounds over where I should be and where I’d be happiest.
  • I still have this dream/hope/unrealistic notion that maybe I can get pregnant without IVF, and I’d have only had one chance to try that idea out if we do the January cycle.  Doing the March instead means we have November, December  and January to try.  Yes, I know that I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) and that I should be anxious about time.  But I have to also not be too hasty.
  • Partly money.  Doing IVF right now means we’d be completely strapped until February next year.  That’s not comfortable.
  • Mostly TIME.  I’m going to try to graduate in May.  That means I have to collect all my data and write 3 chapters of my dissertation by March and defend BY April.  The sooner the better with all that dissertation stuff though, since potentially, I’ll spend most of March and April in IVF land.  When I think back to this summer, I can’t really remember what IVF was like.  It’s like my brain is refusing to capture all of that. I do remember that it took a lot of time.
“There will be time, there will be time…”  Who knew that time would start to seem so short already, that I’d feel like I’m running out of time for my own life.  I’m 34, not 94, but I still feel like I don’t have enough time in my life for all the things I want to have happen in my life.
 I’ll be  in the official 35 and over category the next time I’m going into that egg retrieval/egg transfer phase and get to hear all the statistics about that.  Probably means she’ll put every embryo that happens back up in there and I’ll end up as the new Kate.  If that happens, I’m definitely getting a personal trainer and a chef.  I wanna look good on E!

12dp3dt: BFN, Beta later today

So, I caved and took a POAS test this AM, just so I’d be mentally prepared for the news I’ll be getting later today.  It was a BFN, though I thought, for a second that there was a hint of  a second line.  I think that shadow could be named wishful thinking.  The test I took is one of the internet cheapies, so I have no idea of the sensitivity.  I think they’re supposed to be super sensitive, but when I tested out my trigger on my first medicated cycle, I only had a positive result for 3 days (what does that mean?  who knows???).

Anyway, I go for my beta today and am going to ask that they leave a message with the results so DH and I can hear them together.

The only hope that I have comes from my spotting that has almost completely gone (since yesterday).  I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything either.  I hate all this uncertainty.  Today is going to be a tough day.

8d3dt: Spotting begins

So I know that spotting can be normal and expected and happen even while taking the progesterone shots.  I know that in my head.

But in my heart, the spotting signals the end. It has come every other time before I started my period and wasn’t pregnant, so why would this time be different?

I’m so utterly sad.  I am trying to hold on to hope that maybe I’m just dead wrong and we’ll get some wonderful news on Wednesday.  It just seems so unlikely though.

DH says stay positive.  Imagine the little embryos burying their way into my lining and hanging on, about to grow and grow and grow.  I’m trying to do that, I really am.  But thoughts of how it will feel on Wednesday to hear that this didn’t work keep breaking up this vision.  I am just going to get some work done and try not to think about any of this at all.

Cycle 22, CD 26, Negative Blood Test

So, this cycle is officially over.  I got the call today and set up the appointment for the IVF consult for next Wednesday.  Looks like we’ll be finding out more about stims and progesterone shots and whatnot.

I got over my sad about this when I started spotting, so it wasn’t too bad of  a day.  I’m still pissed off though — 4 follicles!  FOUR! and and IUI with great timing!  Damn, you baby maker, you’re starting to get on my nerves.