So, it’s 10:14 AM, and I’ve already had a horrible day. Here’s a recap:
- I went to the gym. Even though I’ve eaten ONLY fruits, vegetables, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese, nuts and protein supplement for 8 days — and not much of those, I’ve only lost about 5 pounds. I’ve also exercised for about 45 -60 minutes per day. And today, I’d gained about a pound since Saturday. WHAT THE F(&* IS UP WITH THAT?
- I got in a fight with my DH. A big one. Then we made up, at least I hope so.
- I’m about to ovulate…but see point above. We’re not really “make up sex” kind of people.
- I just paid $3400 for an IVF cycle that I’m totally not sure will work.
- My foot huts.
- My hair looks weird today
- I don’t like my outfit
- I just found out that I have to drive 6 hours on Saturday for a class that I’m sure will not benefit me at all.
I’m going to work, for 2 hours, then I’m coming home and taking a break. I can’t handle today today. Maybe tomorrow today will be better.
So I had a moment of clarity, not in the AA or NA sense of that phrase though, the other day when I realized that I just need to write more, to just write and let it out and not censor or worry about how I’m feeling or how I think I should be feeling. It’s just not working to pretend all the time, or to bottle everything up just so I erupt crazily on poor DH.
Today, I feel pretty good. I’ve found a lot of blogs to look at and have added them to my bookmarks. I need to figure out all this following and commenting stuff, but not today. Today, I’m going to watch Nim’s Island and drink tea and relax before I do dishes and post a bunch of quizzes for all of my classes.
I think I’m a few days after ovulation, but I haven’t really kept track. My BBs are SUPER sensitive, and I have a lot of CM. I guess that makes me 4 or 5 DPO. I’m due for my period on Jan. 25 or Jan. 26, which puts me having that HSG on Feb. 2. I guess I’ll have to miss a day of work for that, total PITA.
Oh, things with DH are much, much better. This whole getting pregnant thing is stressful.
So, I went to the RE today. She ordered a bunch of tests, and said she expects we’ll have to go straight to IVF. I did not take this news well.
I called my mom, who just babbled on about how it would all be okay.
DH, of course, is still sick and was at work. When he came home, he asked how it went. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Of course, he got all huffy, then did that thing where he just shuts down. I tried to tell him about it. He said “I’m sorry that the visit was hard for you.”
I HATE those kinds of statements — those things that pretend to be apologies but aren’t. So I told him that, which pretty much killed the conversation. He refused to listen to anything else I said, and started saying really awful things himself. He can be so absolutely mean and completely lacking in compassion.
I really hate what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know that I want to do this anymore with him.