Sad Day

Please go post some love for Belle.  She’s having a miscarriage at 7 weeks.  There are no words to capture how unfair and awful the world can seem sometimes.

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Bad Jokes

Yesterday, after DH called me and told me he was on his way home from work, I put on my favorite pajama dress (If you don’t have a pajama dress, get one.  Look for a dress that is so comfortable that you can sleep in it, literally.  Then, you can “stay in pajamas” even while you’re dressed — all you have to do is add shoes and brushed hair!) and watched Arrested Development.

Yes, on purpose.  Because the title was dark and ironic and apropos.  At first, it was almost like punishment.  Then, I actually started laughing — Buster cracks me up, especially when he fights with Annyoung.

I watched until DH came home, then cried a bit more.  Then, watched another episode and felt better.

Then, I drank a beer.  Yay for that.  Which inspired a series of not funny jokes that started to seem funny the more I drank.  Yes, I was a wee bit tipsy off of one Bud Light Lime.  I’m not ashamed to say it.  The jokes went like this, “I can’t get pregnant, but I can drink this entire beer in my pajamas at 4 in the afternoon.”  I kept making the jokes about everything and finally DH joined in.  

Then I wrapped my stepson’s birthday presents and cried again.

Then, I started thinking of what song I’d like to dedicate to my body on Delilah’s radio show.  Britney’s “Toxic”?  From Wicked, the “What is this feeling?” (The loathing song)?  Or maybe a remix of Lush’s Ladykillers into Babykiller?

I know.  I know.  It’s not funny.  But it is, kinda.  Finding humor in this is helping me feel better.  I told DH this morning that as I went to sleep last night I chanted all the things I have to be grateful for.  It’s so easy to focus on the thing that we don’t have and then we forget what we do.

I don’ t have any answers about babies. I couldn’t bring myself to call the RE’s office today and say the words Failed IVF Appointment (which always echoes around in my brain when I think those words).

I did buy and send a book about adoption to my phone.  I’ll make the phone calls I need to make when I can.

 

2nd Failed IVF

I think I’m supposed to try to think of a way to see something good in this.  But I can’t.  I’m not pregnant.  I did every single thing that anyone told me to do that might help.  Nothing worked.  3 embryos are gone because they were put inside of my toxic body.

I’m so angry.  I’m angry at my body. I’m angry at the medical community for not knowing more to help me.  I’m angry at the insurance company for making a limit of 15,000 dollars for help getting pregnant, when they’ll pay for other people’s bad decisions , like driving recklessly and getting hurt in a car accident, up to millions of dollars but they won’t pay for me to have a baby.  I’m mad at my husband for being at work and not responding to my message.  How can work be more important than this (to give him credit..I only wrote 10 minutes ago). 

I’m just angry and I’m so, so sad.  This is such an emotional mind fuck.  Now, I just wait for days and days for an awful period, if it’s like the last failed IVF period, and then what?  Sign up for another go?  It’s so expensive.  Think about adoption?  I don’t even know how to make that switch over.  Just give up?  Just give up on it ever working out?  How bad is it when just giving up seems the only option.  This bad apparently.

IVF#2, 12dp3dt, Day before Beta

Well, I haven’t gone to the store and bought more HPTS, though I really wanted to today.  I figured it would be easier to just know today.  DH and his (frustrating) medical advice reminded me that even with a positive result, we’d need to know the quantitative result to really feel good about things.  And, a negative would just be a mind-fuck since there’s the ever-present question of “What if it’s not sensitive enough??”  I know that FRERs are supposed to pick up at 10 HCG, but what if I’m at 8 today and 14 tomorrow?  Well then, today would be negative and tomorrow would be a (very low) positive.

See what I mean about his advice?  It makes too much sense.  It completely overcomes the “but I could just test today and then we could know… what that test says and then we could wonder if that test was right for the rest of the day” rationale.

I feel exactly the same as I have all week.  After the HCG shot and up until about 3 days after the transfer, I felt bloated and my boobs were sore.  Right now and for most of the week, I’ve just felt tired, like I need a cup of coffee tired, not extreme fatigue or anything.  I’m not cramping.  I had some spotting on days 8, 9, and 10 after the transfer, but it was always just the tiniest amount, with just a tinge of pink.  Now, nothing.  No breast tenderness (even when I poke them).  No nausea.  I’ve been peeing more, but I think that’s probably from a combo of progesterone + drinking TONS of water.

I guess the solution is to just wait until tomorrow. I’ll let the call go to voicemail so I don’t have to react to the news in public (I have to work tomorrow).  Tomorrow is going to be a long day, just a long awful day.  OR, it will be a long awful day until it’s the BEST DAY EVER!  I hope it’s option 2, I really do. I hope I get to tell one of those my HPT was negative at 9 dp3dt but my beta was positive on 13dp3dt stories, ones that also say I felt absolutely the same before I took the test.

IVF #2 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer)

So, I’ve felt terrible today.  I woke up from a nightmare where I was driving a Jeep with my baby in my lap.

Except that my baby looked like the creature from Little Big Planet (I’ve never played the game — only seen the commercials).  And, the baby was hungry but I couldn’t feed it… because I was driving down a mountain in  a Jeep with a baby on my lap.

Is is too early for Pregnancy Nightmares?  Are pregnancy nightmares a real thing?

After that auspicious beginning, I’ve felt cranky, nauseous, tired, constipated, and bloated for the rest of the day.

Damn the Progesterone!  I guess my hormones levels are changing or being off the higher doses of steroid, or just a general feeling of overwhelmedness has taken over.

I’m trying to stay focused on positive thoughts and happiness outside of this process and as part of the process.

I would also like to write about post about NIAW, about not ignoring infertility, but honestly, all I want to do is ignore it right now. I think I need a nap.  I bet a nap would make everything all better… unless I have the dream again about the little big planet hungry baby!

IVF #2, Transfer Day, 3 embies

Image

So, there they are, my 3 little tee-tee tiny embros.  I sent my mom the picture and she got all teary, saying look at my grandchildren, they’re so darling.  She’s funny that way.

They are 8 cell, Grade A, 6 Cell, Grade B and 4 cell, Grade C.  They all look way better than last transfer (1 8 cell, grade b, 2 6 cells, grade C).

My transfer went well.  I did the intralipids via IV and had acupuncture at the same time.  Then, the very quick transfer.  The bigger embie didn’t want to go in the tube, so they all decided he must be a boy. 🙂

Then another round of acupuncture and home.  My RE has us take Valium before the transfer, so I came home and passed out for about 90 minutes.  That stuff makes me feel really, really weird. I have no idea why anyone would take it recreationally.

I feel much better after this transfer than the last.  Everything feels more in line and more in place.  The last thing the RE said as she was leaving was “Don’t have triplets.”  Ha.  I am going to focus on all three of those embryos growing, and while triplets are not ideal, I’ll love every one and make it work if it happens.  I hope they’re loving their new home. 

Tonight, I start more meds (Yippee… not).  I’ll be doing 2 shots from this point forward: PIO and now Lovenox. Plus all the other stuff…  

 

IVF #2, Transfer tomorrow

After what felt like the longest morning of my life waiting on a phone call, finally it came.  We’re set for transfer tomrrow.  Today, we have 3 embryos — 2 4 cells and 1 3 cell.  I really hope we still have all 3 tomorrow.  

I’m doing endometrium suppositories, intralipid infusion and acupuncture tomorrow.  I’ve also asked to not drink as much water.

Now, I just need to find the perfect movie to watch while I sit tomorrow.  Hmmm, Nine Months?  Mr. Mom? Baby Mamma?