There will be time, there will be time

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;         25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;         30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

That quote above is from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” one of my all time favorite poems.  It’s so sad and so frustrating, yet also so beautiful and lyrical.

I was thinking of this poem because we changed our minds about the IVF cycle and decided to do the March/April cycle instead of the January/February one.  There are many reasons, but I guess these are the main ones:

  • I’m still 10 pounds (instead of 15, yay!) heavier than when I started the first IVF.  That is still about 50 pounds over where I should be and where I’d be happiest.
  • I still have this dream/hope/unrealistic notion that maybe I can get pregnant without IVF, and I’d have only had one chance to try that idea out if we do the January cycle.  Doing the March instead means we have November, December  and January to try.  Yes, I know that I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) and that I should be anxious about time.  But I have to also not be too hasty.
  • Partly money.  Doing IVF right now means we’d be completely strapped until February next year.  That’s not comfortable.
  • Mostly TIME.  I’m going to try to graduate in May.  That means I have to collect all my data and write 3 chapters of my dissertation by March and defend BY April.  The sooner the better with all that dissertation stuff though, since potentially, I’ll spend most of March and April in IVF land.  When I think back to this summer, I can’t really remember what IVF was like.  It’s like my brain is refusing to capture all of that. I do remember that it took a lot of time.
“There will be time, there will be time…”  Who knew that time would start to seem so short already, that I’d feel like I’m running out of time for my own life.  I’m 34, not 94, but I still feel like I don’t have enough time in my life for all the things I want to have happen in my life.
 I’ll be  in the official 35 and over category the next time I’m going into that egg retrieval/egg transfer phase and get to hear all the statistics about that.  Probably means she’ll put every embryo that happens back up in there and I’ll end up as the new Kate.  If that happens, I’m definitely getting a personal trainer and a chef.  I wanna look good on E!
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