Cycle 20, CD 23, 9 DPO, Spotting

So, I just started spotting.  I actually saw something this morning that looked like spotting and I decided I must be crazy, but now, I’m sure.  I’m so upset.  I’m so mad.  I’m so sad.  I’m just so… everything.

I know, I know.  It’s just spotting.  Some people spot.  Then, those people can still be pregnant.  Implantation spotting.  Keep up the hope, yes, yes.  But I just feel awful right now.  I’m supposed to be running errands, but instead I came home and sat down with my dogs and did all kinds of stupid things, like looked for charts where women spotted and were still pregnant.  It didn’t really help any to see that, I just feel like they are in some place where I’m never going to be.  It’s so hard to remember that they may have felt just like I do right now on a month where they were pregnant.  It’s just so hard.

I just don’t think I can go out, drive around and pretend to be okay right now.  I think this is a moment where I get to call a time out on being good and responsible, take a nap, and just be okay with being not okay.

In completely unrelated to this, but to another post, I ended up really disliking Water for Elephants.

Cycle 20, CD 17, 3 (or 4) DPO, 5 DPT

My birthday is coming up this weekend.  I’ll be the big 34, and that puts me one year closer to the sacred (or profane, perhaps) 35, when my fertility will be officially declining.  I’m trying not to think about that too much.  Plus, two of the blogs I follow just got a BFP (Yolk and My Dusty Uterus), so I’m hoping this is a magical time of year and that perigree moon did something.

I’m banning myself from Fertility Friend, especially the TTC with IUI/IVF board. Those ladies there are all so strong and amazing, but I’m scared to read all those stories right now. I think I’m just going to focus on all the next steps and having a nice birthday weekend, with lots of relaxing.

This morning, I woke up feeling fine, then got in the car and almost threw up. I had to jump out of the car and everything, as I was really sure that I was going to puke. I think that is from my progesterone being higher this cycle (I guess from the Clomid?). I know it’s not a pregnancy symptom…. but god, it would be nice if it were.

In other news, I’m listening to Water for Elephants right now, and liking it more than I thought I would.

Cycle 20, CD 15, 1 DPO(?), and 3 Days Past Trigger

So, here it is — 1 day past when I’ve decided to mark ovulation so that on April 1, I’ll be 12 DPO and 14 days past the trigger shot.  Part of our instructions are to have intercourse (or as the nurse on the phone called it: time for us to “be together”) today.  Well, it turns out that today is not such a good day for that.  We’ve both been busy all day.  I left for work at 6:45 AM and got home at 8:15 PM.  DH is STILL at work (at 9:15 PM).  He called to tell me that he can’t come home for a while, and I reminded him that today is the day by asking him if he had on his business socks like from this song:

Hopefully, we won’t be too tired later. We can take this advice to heart:  “two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven.”

I guess I should go take a bath and relax a bit… and get ready for business time.

Cycle 20, CD 9, Day 2 of FSH (Bravelle)

So, I’m almost done with all these medications and thankfully think that I have made it through with very little to report in the way of problems or side effects.  Giving allergy shots for 3 years made me pretty much a pro at the Bravelle, though I was a little nervous, for no reason at all, with the first shot.  Today, I was listening to my audio book… and barely even noticed I’d given the shot.

Thursday (day after tomorrow), I go in for my labs and ultrasound. I don’t have any idea what labs they’re doing.  I guess some sort of hormone.  I’m wondering about this ultrasound and imagine my ovaries being full of lumps that look like M&Ms, with the technician trying to count them and measure them, like a kid does with a handful of M&Ms, saving the green (or blue maybe) ones for last.

I’ve done some silly things today to help there be more follicles — kept my feet warm, exercised (but not too hard), drank whole milk (ick, who can really stand that stuff), and some gentle stretching.  Now, let’s hope there are enough–but not too many — follicles for that trigger shot and then some really, really good luck.

In other weird news, I had a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth yesterday and today.  I worried it was from avoiding carbs, so had a piece of candy.  It’s still there, not as bad, but definitely still there.  Maybe a side effect of Clomid?  Or, maybe I’m getting a sinus infection!  Who knows???

Cycle 20, CD 7, Day 5 of Clomid

So, all-in-all Clomid has not been bad.  I got all weepy Friday night, but that happens without the medication too, so… I give this protocol a thumbs up so far.  My headaches are still occuring each morning, but nothing a little Tylenol can’t fix.

My psoriasis is doing so great. I don’t know why, other than I’ve been sleeping regular hours and exercising.  I also have been using some organic shampoo/shower gel stuff on my face and legs (the only bad places right now), so maybe that’s the secret stuff?  Either way, I’m so excited to be doing this well in March!  By summertime, I hope it’s like it doesn’t exist.  It’d be nice to have a summer off from psoriasis, like I did a few years ago (the year I met DH actually).

I quit doing that Atkins thing as low carbs as I was (I was trying for around 25).  It just goes against all reason that I have to worry about how many carrots I can have.  So, I’m just being really good — avoiding junk food and exercising and still watching carbs, especially in the bread and dessert forms!  And, still done some; yesterday I thought I had lost 7 but today it looks more like 5 or 6.  I have a crappy scale that’s hard to read — good when I’m up a few pounds I don’t want to know about and bad when I’m wishing I could see every ounce I’m losing!

Cycle 20, CD 4, Day 2 of Clomid

So far, Clomid is treating me fine.  I don’t think I’m having any side effects… but then again I’ve only taken 1 pill.

Emotionally, though, I think I’m waging a battle inside of myself.  I keep thinking that there’s no reason to really get my hopes up this time, since it’s not like this time is that much different than any other time.  But, then, I read some story or think about the science of what I’m doing and think that, of course, this will work.  How could it not?  He has sperms that swim.  I have an ovary that seems to make eggs.  They are helping me make even more eggs, and they’re going to make sure that I have a uterine lining ready to support a little bean.  That sounds like a good plan, right?  Right?

But even when people get already fertilized embryos put right inside their uterus, sometimes that doesn’t work.   Why not?  Why on the 3rd time but not the 2nd?  Why on the 1st time for one person and never for the next?

It’s just all so perplexing.  I just can’t make sense of it all right now.  I know I’m supposed to “Think Positive” and “Just Relax.”  Yes, yes, that’s what I’m doing 23. 75 hours of the day.  Right now, I’m taking 15 minutes to just let myself be completely bewildered by how all of this works out (or doesn’t) for us.

In other news, I figured out how to add a blog roll.  Look at me blogging, Mom!  Look at me!