Lost in No-(Child) Land

So, lately, I’ve felt pretty weird about blogging/reading blogs.  Today, while rolling through my Reader, I realized why.

Everyone else is:

  • Trying to get pregnant
  • Pregnant
  • Mourning a loss of a pregnancy
  • Talking about kids they already have

I’m in no-child land.  We’re not trying to get pregnant.  In fact, I’m giving my stupid, failure of a body (in the sense of its baby-making and not being good at regulating its immune function) one more month of regular sleep, less caffeine, more green tea, healthy food, and exercise, and then I’m going on BCP so I can start ANOTHER immune suppressor if it’s not behaving itself.

So, we’re not trying to get pregnant.  And, the adoption stuff is just one piece of paper and one appointment after another.  Yeah, we’re rocking through those, but they don’t feel like a child is happening. I have no connection of signing a contract saying I won’t shake a baby (yes, we have to do that.  Is that part of giving birth at a hospital?  If not, why not?  Why isn’t that like a given?  I hate that there’s a need at all to tell people not to shake babies) to an actual baby (or in my case, a child).

For me, there are no lines on sticks.  There are no doctors appointments. There are no ultrasound pictures.  There are no heart beats. There are no waiting for a gender scan appointments.

It kind of feels like nothing.

I don’t know that I necessarily feel like something’s missing from my own life.  It’s more like I’m just really aware of what others have in theirs.  It’s like I’m in limbo to re-join some conversation that I can hear, but not participate in.

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12 thoughts on “Lost in No-(Child) Land

  1. I felt like this for a long time when I was dutifully giving Hubby his injections but we weren’t really trying because we had (next to) no sperm. I hope the adoption process moves quickly for you guys and you’ll soon have good news to share with all of us. In the meantime, if you want to write about how much being in limbo sucks, I totally get it, and I’ll be reading along.

    • Well, at least there’s a lot of information going out about it. When we had to hear about that, my DH, who is a nurse in an emergency dept, kept telling me “yes, this really happens” because I kept saying “who would shake a baby?????”

  2. I felt just like this during the year and a half when we knew we weren’t going to get pregnant but had no way to pay for treatments. It’s a funny place to be — it’s not the same as having decided to be childfree, and it’s certainly not the same as actively trying. It’s just waiting and waiting and waiting with your nose pressed up against the glass. I hope you stay part of the conversation!

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