So, lately, I’ve felt pretty weird about blogging/reading blogs. Today, while rolling through my Reader, I realized why.
Everyone else is:
- Trying to get pregnant
- Mourning a loss of a pregnancy
- Talking about kids they already have
I’m in no-child land. We’re not trying to get pregnant. In fact, I’m giving my stupid, failure of a body (in the sense of its baby-making and not being good at regulating its immune function) one more month of regular sleep, less caffeine, more green tea, healthy food, and exercise, and then I’m going on BCP so I can start ANOTHER immune suppressor if it’s not behaving itself.
So, we’re not trying to get pregnant. And, the adoption stuff is just one piece of paper and one appointment after another. Yeah, we’re rocking through those, but they don’t feel like a child is happening. I have no connection of signing a contract saying I won’t shake a baby (yes, we have to do that. Is that part of giving birth at a hospital? If not, why not? Why isn’t that like a given? I hate that there’s a need at all to tell people not to shake babies) to an actual baby (or in my case, a child).
For me, there are no lines on sticks. There are no doctors appointments. There are no ultrasound pictures. There are no heart beats. There are no waiting for a gender scan appointments.
It kind of feels like nothing.
I don’t know that I necessarily feel like something’s missing from my own life. It’s more like I’m just really aware of what others have in theirs. It’s like I’m in limbo to re-join some conversation that I can hear, but not participate in.