I know that it’s not healthy or helpful to think of getting to have children in a competitive manner. I know it, in my brain and in some part of my heart, but I don’t know it with all of me. The reason why I know that I’m not really, really in the “this isn’t a race” mentality is this: A girl who was in a group on FF when I was over there has DOR. She did IVF (twice, first time failed). She had a beautiful little girl. Now, she’s pregnant again, and it’s twins. She knows, really knows, how this feels.
I am very happy for her, but my initial reaction was “DAMN! I’ve been lapped again.” What kind of a thought is that? I understand that I had a normal reaction, it’s what I hear people say over and over again about this whole infertility thing, that we feel left out, that we feel that other people have gained something that we can’t get. But, I’m still disappointed in myself that I even thought that. It’s not a race, is it?
I try so hard to be patient and keep things in perspective, that there is no ruler and there is no finish line, but I still feel that I’m left behind on something.
When I thought about going back to school a few years ago and was trepidatious, my mother-in-law reminded me that I would be as many years older, with or without the degree. It’s the same thing, isn’t it, with kids and being a parent? Whether it happens at age 35 or age 36 really doesn’t matter.
I’m moving forward towards becoming a parent, right? I sent in all the paperwork, now I’m just waiting for stuff to process, and then it’s on to the next step. If things keep moving forward, then by next summer I should be a mom to children that are already out there, just waiting on us to find them and give them a home and love.
So, why the great baby race mentality? Will this ever go away? I really hope so.