Okay, if you can make it through that video without tearing up a little bit, well, you’re obviously not me. I was crying by the end, and I would have said yes to that guy if I’d been there, for sure.
It seems that lately,almost everything I watch makes me cry. I watched the last episode of the Glee season — cried the whole Rachel song. I’m watching the last episodes of Touch now — crying. And, that supposedly funny and sweet video – cried, cried, cried. But when I watched Melancholia — nothing. I felt detached from the movie, watched it as though I were looking at a painting or a sculpture, something static and unmoving. I felt like I had partially become Auntie Steelbreaker in that movie. It was strange.
I don’t think we’re going to move forward with any adoption or fostering process anytime soon. DH says he’s on board and he wants to do it, but so far, the minor thing I need him to do in order to move forward, he’s dragging his feet on. The other day, during a moment of stress, he called his son (my stepson) his “real” son. He backtracked immediately and said “really here, right in front of me” but it was still out there, even if for a nanosecond. And, even if he didn’t really mean it, it was still an undercurrent and a thought, enough to be given voice.
I’m trying to remember that we all take our time moving through things. That it’s easier for me to make this decision and to move forward because I’ve been reading and thinking about it for months. I also know that he’s hurt and upset about this, just like I am. But still, I wish I didn’t keep looking at my life as a picture, viewing it from the outside.