Touch and Melancholia and Glee

Okay, if you can make it through that video without tearing up a little bit, well, you’re obviously not me.  I was crying by the end, and I would have said yes to that guy if I’d been there, for sure.

It seems that lately,almost  everything I watch makes me cry.  I watched the last episode of the Glee season — cried the whole Rachel song.  I’m watching the last episodes of Touch now — crying. And, that supposedly funny and sweet video – cried, cried, cried. But when I watched Melancholia — nothing.  I felt detached from the movie, watched it as though I were looking at a painting or a sculpture, something static and unmoving.  I felt like I had partially become Auntie Steelbreaker in that movie.  It was strange.

I don’t think we’re going to move forward with any adoption or fostering process anytime soon.  DH says he’s on board and he wants to do it, but so far, the minor thing I need him to do in order to move forward, he’s dragging his feet on.  The other day, during a moment of stress, he called his son (my stepson) his “real” son.  He backtracked immediately and said “really here, right in front of me” but it was still out there, even if for a nanosecond.  And, even if he didn’t really mean it, it was still an undercurrent and a thought, enough to be given voice.

I’m trying to remember that we all take our time moving through things.  That it’s easier for me to make this decision and to move forward because I’ve been reading and thinking about it for months. I also know that he’s hurt and upset about this, just like I am. But still, I wish I didn’t keep looking at my life as a picture, viewing it from the outside.


10 thoughts on “Touch and Melancholia and Glee

  1. “I’m trying to remember that we all take out time moving through things.” You gave yourself the best advice. Be patient and understand that men mourn and move forward at different speeds than women. And by different speeds I mean painfully slowly! 🙂

    That said, I’m so sorry for his comment re: his son. That is just horrible, but I’m glad he caught it. I’m sending you lots of love and light to help you through the tough days to come. xoxo

    • So, so slowly. But you’re right, Belle. And my DH moves even slower than most when it comes to a big change, or a little change for that matter (he’s still upset that I moved the kitchen towels… which I did a year! ago).

      Thanks for the love and light!

  2. That video was awesome. I don’t think I made it to a minute before I was crying!

    Sorry you guys are in the difficult position of being at different stages in the process. That’s not easy to reconcile. Thinking of you.

  3. I’m sorry he said such a hurtful thing, even if he did try to take it back and make it better. It’s still out there. I hope that with some time, he’ll embrace the possibility of adding to your family, even if it’s not in the way he originally envisioned, just as you have. Sending you hugs!

  4. I loved that video. So much.

    I can’t even with Melancholia. Watching a realistic depiction of the end of the world? That will just give my fertile anxious imagination more room to grow. Shudder.

    I’m sorry about that remark 😦

    • I loved it too. Didn’t you want to yell YES for that girl? I mean, if I’d been here, I’d have been sobbing and not able to say anything but I know she meant to say a big, giant yes to him.

      I avoided Melancholia for a long time for exactly that reason, but Alexander Skarsgaard got me in. I’m in love with him. I watched the Paparazzi video (Lady Gaga) the other day, and was jealous of her character in the video. It’s an illness, the Alexander Skarsgaard Obsessive Disorder.

  5. wishing you the best moving forward (at whatever speed it happens!)!

    i am a stepmom too. it’s hard dealing with infertility when yer dh already has kid(s). they (dh’s with kids) are supportive, but as i tell my dh, i dont really think he can understand what it’s like from my perspective – to look forward at your future and try to imagine what it might be like if you never get to grow your family. he’s a good bit older than me – he’ll be dead first (morbid, but likely true to be practical), his kids will have kids (they already talk about “when I have kids, blah, blah, blah…), and i’ll be alone.

    you should move the towels again. just to f* with his head, hehehehehe….

    • It his hard, and you’re right, I don’t think he understands that fear that I have in the way that I have it. I think he gets it… but not REALLY gets it.

      Oh, god, if I moved the towels again, we might have complete meltdown. 🙂

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