I’ve been reading IQ84, and I just read this line that struck me: “A state of chronic powerlessness eats away at a person.” It’s been a sad time this week as we learned about Mo’s loss of Nadav and saw how everyone processed that loss and felt it, all through their own lenses and experiences. It struck me that so much of this process, of ALI is centered around how powerless we feel. We’re not in control of our bodies or our bodies’s responses to anything. We can’t fix what’s wrong with ourselves or save others when their bodies fail them. We just feel so damn helpless.
Or, at least I know I do. I feel so much like no matter what I do, I can’t really do anything. I’m doing all that the doctors tell me, in hopes that THIS TIME, I’ll have done enough. But what if it still doesn’t work? What then? What next? I think about adoption, but adoption comes with its own set of challenges and helplessness.
I wonder, as we go through this, if there’s a way we CAN reclaim our power. I often feel less afraid and stressed and worried after exercising or going to yoga. I feel more in control at work and as I’m working on my PhD. But these other feelings undercut those experiences sometimes, as if even when I’m most in power, of my body and my mind, I’m still thwarted by these other feelings of being betrayed by my body.
I don’t really have an answer, this is just something that’s on my mind.
The Metformin and I are getting along fine, except that I’m breaking out like a pre-pubescent girl before the first dance at school. Stomach has only reacted badly if I didn’t eat much before taking the medication, and the only side effect (other than the acne) I’m having is being REALLY tired at night, like so much so that I’m falling asleep while DH is still getting into bed. I don’t know, for sure, that has anything to do with Metformin though… I also have a bit of a stuffy head, so maybe it’s sinus stuff.