Powerlessness

 

I’ve been reading IQ84, and I just read this line that struck me: “A state of chronic powerlessness eats away at a person.”  It’s been a sad time this week as we learned about Mo’s loss of Nadav and saw how everyone processed that loss and felt it, all through their own lenses and experiences.   It struck me that so much of this process, of ALI is centered around how powerless we feel.  We’re not in control of our bodies or our bodies’s responses to anything.  We can’t fix what’s wrong with ourselves or save others when their bodies fail them.  We just  feel so damn helpless.

Or, at least I know I do.  I feel so much like no matter what I do, I can’t really do anything.  I’m doing all that the doctors tell me, in hopes that THIS TIME, I’ll have done enough.  But what if it still doesn’t work?  What then?  What next?  I think about adoption, but adoption comes with its own set of challenges and helplessness.

I wonder, as we go through this, if there’s a way we CAN reclaim our power.  I often feel less afraid and stressed and worried after exercising or going to yoga.  I feel more in control at work and as I’m working on my PhD.  But these other feelings undercut those experiences sometimes, as if even when I’m most in power, of my body and my mind, I’m still thwarted by these other feelings of being betrayed by my body.

I don’t really have an answer, this is just something that’s on my mind.

*****

The Metformin and I are getting along fine, except that I’m breaking out like a pre-pubescent girl before the first dance at school.  Stomach has only reacted badly if I didn’t eat much before taking the medication, and the only side effect (other than the acne) I’m having is being REALLY tired at night, like so much so that I’m falling asleep while DH is still getting into bed.  I don’t know, for sure, that has anything to do with Metformin though… I also have a bit of a stuffy head, so maybe it’s sinus stuff.

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9 thoughts on “Powerlessness

  1. I completely agree. The powerlessness and loss of control is all encompassing and devastating. After 2 and a half years I’m still not used to the idea that there are women out there who can more or less decide when they want to have a baby…and I can’t. It sucks.

  2. Pingback: What Nadav Taught Me: Ask and You Shall Recieve « Mommy Odyssey

  3. All encompassing is a good way to put it, and I would love to think of a way to diminish that feeling. It is hard to be unable to control what is such a part of me, something that I never even considered could be so out of my control.

    • I know what you mean! It’s so surprising to all of us, isn’t it? Even those who may have had a family history of infertility are just as dumbstruck by how it feels for it to happen to them.

      Thanks for your comment, and I wish I knew how to diminish that feeling. The only thing I seem to be able to do is push it away for a while, which is better than nothing, I guess.

  4. You have hit it on the head. “Chronic powerlessness” indeed. Even with treatments, we are lying there having things done *to* us. We don’t have any control. We can’t will our ovaries to make X number of follicles, we can’t will our linings to be the right thickness, and on and on. I think you’re doing a great thing by coming up with the ways you are in control, and it sounds like you’ve got quite a lot going on that is positive. Good luck with your cycle, too! I am still at the futile-IUI stage so I am not likely to have much advice for you, but I am wishing you well.

    • Thanks for your comment and well-wishes. I remember how hopeful I felt with those IUIs and how many people they work for. I hope you’re one of those.

      Yes, I’ve been trying, very hard and much harder sooner, to focus on where I’m not helpless. It helps me not get too bogged down in all this stuff, all these things we can’t really control at all.

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