So, there they are, my 3 little tee-tee tiny embros.  I sent my mom the picture and she got all teary, saying look at my grandchildren, they’re so darling.  She’s funny that way.

They are 8 cell, Grade A, 6 Cell, Grade B and 4 cell, Grade C.  They all look way better than last transfer (1 8 cell, grade b, 2 6 cells, grade C).

My transfer went well.  I did the intralipids via IV and had acupuncture at the same time.  Then, the very quick transfer.  The bigger embie didn’t want to go in the tube, so they all decided he must be a boy.

Then another round of acupuncture and home.  My RE has us take Valium before the transfer, so I came home and passed out for about 90 minutes.  That stuff makes me feel really, really weird. I have no idea why anyone would take it recreationally.

I feel much better after this transfer than the last.  Everything feels more in line and more in place.  The last thing the RE said as she was leaving was “Don’t have triplets.”  Ha.  I am going to focus on all three of those embryos growing, and while triplets are not ideal, I’ll love every one and make it work if it happens.  I hope they’re loving their new home. 

Tonight, I start more meds (Yippee… not).  I’ll be doing 2 shots from this point forward: PIO and now Lovenox. Plus all the other stuff…  

We have 3 fertilized eggs, as of about 10 AM this morning.  Only 3 of the 5 eggs were mature, but all 3 of the mature eggs fertilized.

I’ve decided to see this as perfect.  I hope that all 3 keep growing and then we can transfer all 3, and we’ll have a good chance of one of them sticking.

My plan for this week:

• Progesterone daily (1cc)
• Metformin 
• D3 (2000 IU)
• PNV + folic acid
• Medrol (16 mg daily)
• Aspirin, 81 mg

I go for acupuncture tomorrow and on transfer day.  I’m also doing intralipids, infused, on the transfer day.

The feeling great ended at about 4 PM yesterday.  I’ve been all crampy and uncomfortable since then.  The pain meds help, thank goodness.

I know 3 is not very many, but I’m thinking of this as efficient — this way I don’t have to worry about freezing and thawing, I can just focus on these 3 growing and developing and becoming my baby.

The other day, DH and I were out driving and as we pulled up the stoplight, turning right, I noticed a lady crying in her car across the way.  I said something about poor girl, must be a hard day.  DH remarked that I seemed to always see girls crying in their car, but that he never saw them. 

Well, I guess maybe it’s because I’ve spent a good bit of time crying in my car, like today.  There are still 5 or 6 follicles.  All are still growing.  I say “or 6″ because they 6th one is only an 8 and the rest are 12 and 13.  The RE doesn’t seem to worried, but she keeps telling me to tell the acupuncturist (yes, I’m going again.  They turned me into an incense burner the other day — moxibustion – which seemed to make the RE happy) to work on blood flow.

Last time I had 9 follicles, retrieved 5 eggs, 4 fertilized, 3 made it to Day 3.  All 3 transferred — BFN. 

So, if we take that math and start with 5.  5 follicles (cut in half) = 3 eggs.  80% of 3 is 2.  Lose one = 1 possible embryo to transfer.  If you compound only having one with my immune system.  Well, the picture is not pretty.

Hence the tears.  I’d been existing in a state of denial up until now.  I kept thinking that maybe she’d see one or 2 that were tucked away.  Or that little straggler would catch up.  

My DH and Mom both say “you only need one.”  That sounds great, but I’ve read enough and am scientific enough to know that really isn’t likely.  Most of the time, if there’s only 1 – it’s a really, really good one in order for it to work.  I only had 1 8 cell last time and it was a Grade B (not Grade A, the top).  

DH said that maybe that one would be our miracle baby.

I don’t believe in miracles, though.

So, I’m going to ask the RE in the morning about cancelling.  To go forward, it will cost us thousands of dollars.  (I don’t even know how many thousand, I know at least 2500, maybe more).  To refuse to recognize the reality of where I am, well that just seems, well, silly.  Once I have that conversation, I will make a final decision. It’s so hard to even type this. This really is one of those moments where it seems like it works for everyone else… but not me.  Even though I was in a waiting room full of women, doing the same thing as me, all I could think was that they were the 95% who it eventually works for.  And, I’m the 5%.  The one that they’re scared to be.

Hopefully, I can make it through the rest of the day without drivin n cryin.  

Things are going along right now.  I have one 12, one 11, a few 8s and 7s and 1 little straggler of a 6.  I think I have 6 or 7 follicles right now.  That’s not many, I know, but maybe they’ll be nice quality eggs and lots will fertilize.

In other news, estrogen/hormone crazies have hit.  It’s so hard to keep talking yourself about things that should be just normal.  Yesterday, I was on my way to take a shower.  DH says in doggie voice (like baby talk) to the dog, “Momma Dog is going to take a shower to get unstinky!  You need to take a shower too” (as in the dog smelled bad, not me).  I cried in the shower because I thought he thought I smelled bad.  Then I realized I was being crazy.  How can hormones make you that wacky?

More bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow. 

Still on all the same meds, with 600 Gonal F per day and 15 IU of the low-dose HCG in the afternoon.  It looks like I’ll need 5 more days of stims, so there goes another $1000 bucks.

The phone call came yesterday.  The doctor has increased my medicine and is worried that she’s not seeing enough growth.  They are having me come in so the nurse can administer the shots in the office.  I told him that DH is a nurse and has been doing shots — plus I’m pretty skilled at giving shots (since I have to give myself Humira shots and have given myself methotrexate shots in the past).  I still went over there to let them give the shots though, just in case.

I’m really worried that this cycle will be cancelled.  It’s very hard to stay focused and positive when I know things are not going well.  I’ve read a few stories of women with not very many eggs who’ve still had enough to fertilize and grow to Day 3.  But I bet there are WAY more stories of things not working out.

Just updating to say that I had my ultrasound this morning and was gutsy enough to ask how things looked so far.  She saw 7 follicles — 4 on the right and 3 on the left.  There may be more she says, on the left, that are not big enough yet or hidden.  I wait for a phone call now to see what medications I’ll take for the rest of the week (I think I go back on Friday for another check up).

Up to 13 needle sticks — 15 by the end of the day.