IVF #2, More BCP and Starting Metformin Day

Well, I have a plan of sorts now.  I start my second set of birth control pills today and take those until March 28.

I’m also starting Metformin (glucophage) today.  I’m taking that because the RE is doing everything possible to make more eggs.  Last time, I had 9 follicles and 5 eggs (4 fertilized and 3 made it to a 3 day transfer).  The egg quality was good, but I want to have more.  I’m also taking DHEA and have been since the failed IVF stuff back in September (or maybe it was October).

I’m a little worried about metformin because I keep hearing about the “upset stomach” it can cause.  I really hope that doesn’t mean I’m going to be dying with stomach cramps for the next 6 weeks.  If anyone has any information about this medication, I’d love to hear it.

My calendar so far:

Now until April 1:  BCP and Metformin

April 1:  Start stims

April 12: Expected retrieval

So, here’s hoping that April is a lovely month for my ovaries!

ETA:  I just looked at the bottle of metformin and found out I’m not supposed to have any alcohol at all while taking this.  I’m glad I had that martini last night, for sure!

Welcome, ICLW-ers!

To my fellow ICLW-ers, and everyone else of course, welcome!  I’m glad that you stopped by my blog and I look forward to knowing more about you.

So, what about me?  Right now, I’m at the very beginning of my second IVF cycle.  My first failed, perhaps due to immune issues with implantation.  I have an autoimmune condition (psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis), some mutations (MTHFR and some other coagulant thing), and slightly diminished ovarian reserve (only 5 eggs retrieved the first cycle).

I’m currently, as my RE says, throwing everything in the book at this 2nd IVF cycle.  I’m taking tons of vitamins and DHEA, added in baby aspirin and Metformin.  At some point, I’ll also be taking Lovonox too! I’m also adding in intralipids and taking the steroids around transfer time for longer (The RE and I think I had a flare after stopping the steroids too soon last time).

I’m also doing yoga (instead of acupuncture).  I’m working really hard in the gym and with my diet to get my BMI down (was at 29.5%, down to 28.6% in one month!).

Oh, and other than obsessing about my ovaries and my uterus and all of that, I’m working on my PhD, currently writing my dissertation.  I love my dogs (2 schnauzers), my wonderful DH, and my two stepchildren.  I’m not quite as fond of needles and am taking bets this cycle on exactly how many times I will willingly allow someone or purposefully poke my self with a sharp pointy object.  Think of it like one of those fair games where you have to guess how many gum balls are in the jar.  I haven’t decided on a prize yet, but I’m sure it will be wonderful, like maybe an empty sharps container or a pack of band-aids.

Right now, I’m just taking Metformin and birth control pills and reading all about you all and your journeys to where you are right now.

Writer’s Block?

You know, I don’t know why it’s called Writer’s Block. I often say that I have it. But, the truth is, I don’t. Right now, for instance, I have LOTS of things that I’d like to be writing about. Instead, I’m grading papers, and thinking about the dissertation chapter I have to finish up.

Every time, though, that I open the dissertation, I can’t think of ONE single thing to write about. I know what I need to say, I even know where I need to say it. I just can’t see to write it. What is that? Selective Writer’s Block? Is this the way it is for folks who end up ABD? I really just wish this was done, but then I can’t seem to do it.

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In other news, I’m all done with the BCP. I’ve started spotting and hopefully, about 20 minutes after I post this, I’ll get my period. Then, I can call the RE and get moving forward with the next steps. I feel so impatient about all of this, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready to get going. I’ve been so busy lately that I don’t know how I’m going to fit in daily doctor appointments. Maybe the extra pressure is what I need to really get a move on!

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UPDATE:  Mo could use some support.  Read more here and here.  Hopes and prayers going out to Mo and her husband.

IVF #2, 5 Days Until Out of BCP (The First Round)

Today, when I looked at my little purple pack of pills and realized that I only have to take 5 more of those little buggers, well, I got down right excited.  I know that I’ll (apparently) have to take more at the end of February/beginning of March, but I’m still really excited to know that I’m making my way down the line to actually doing something to move on with this.

I know we all talk about it and think about it, but time is SO WEIRD when you’re dealing with infertility.  2 weeks seems like a lifetime, but then before you know it, 2 years have gone by and you realize that you’ve had upwards of 20 (or 30 or 40 or more) unsuccessful cycles.

I went to my dermatologist today and found out that a medication he’d just give me (Vectical*) is not good for pregnant ladies, at least in the first trimesters.  Good thing I got that update, since I’d have been slathering that stuff back on the first time I’d thought a flare was coming on.  He and his wife went through IVF, though you wouldn’t know it since he’s pretty much like “I V What?”  I guess we can guess how involved he was in the getting pregnant process.  (Men!  Sheesh!  Why aren’t they obsessed with our ovaries like we are??)  He also said that he thought it’d be fine for me to be on the steroids longer, which is what I think I was supposed to find out.  I don’t know why doctors tell patients to go ask doctors questions.  I doubt I asked the question at all the right way.

Anyway, this time next week, I should be getting my period, then it’s onto Step 2 in the IVF process.

* I think I forgot to tell about the magic of Vectical + Clobex.  My psoriasis is WAY better after using that stuff.  I’ve never seen such dramatic improvement from a topical medication.

Thankful Thursday #1

Yesterday, I went to the movies to see Red.Tails.  It was okay.  The acting, in places, was really terrible.  The story was not that developed.  Cuba Gooding Jr, who I normally love, wasn’t really part of the movie in a meaningful way and he had this annoying pipe.  I appreciate that the film was made though.

While I was there, I saw a young woman, maybe 19-20, making her way to the restroom in her wheel chair.  She was perky and happy, wearing pink and smiling as she pushed herself along.  I thought as I watched her and then held the door for her that there are so many things that we can all wake up and be thankful for everyday, like that girl who seemed to be so happy and thankful to be out seeing a movie, maybe with friends.  So, during this stressful time that’s about to happen, I’m going to try to post, at least once a week (hopefully on Thursdays… b/c Thankful Thursday is so alliterative and all), about what I’m thankful for.

• I’m thankful for the ability to walk.  When I was in my 20s, there was a time when I worried I wouldn’t always be able to walk (thanks to arthritis).  Now, I can run up and down stairs, climb on the Jacob’s ladder machine at the gym, hike in the woods, and walk for hours on the beach.  I’m so glad that I have great medications and doctors available to me and that I can stay as healthy as I am.

I’m also thankful for this ALI community.  I’m not great about making comments or keeping my own blog up-to-date, but I often read and appreciate much of what’s posted out there.  I try to post what I’m going through, partly for my own sanity and therapy and partly because I hope that I do for someone out there what others do for me… which is make all this not seem so awful, so lonely, so hopeless.

In the spirit of that, I hope you’ll all go read Sarah’s story over on  Jjiraffe’s blog.  I’ve been following Sarah’s story for a while now and remember being so excited for her when she found out about her adoption.  I think JJiraffe’s project is really a great idea.

What Am I Doing Wednesday?

Well, this post will have little -to-nothing to do with IVF, my ovaries, or my (lack thereof) fertility.   I think I’m supposed to wait till Friday to write it, but I’ve never been good at doing things like this on a schedule.

So what am I doing this Wednesday?  Well, I’m writing, finally, but I’m also procrastinating.  In the last 30 minutes, I have taken a shower (good, needed), made ANOTHER cup of hot tea (not so needed), flipped through a book that I don’t really like and doubt I’ll use but I wanted to see if I might use it after all, stirred my lunch (that didn’t need to be stirred), and clicked on every blog I read (because I can’t figure out this following/google reader thing).

I swear, I just don’t want to finish up this work I’m doing.  It’s like I’m having the mental equivalent of a 3-year old having a tantrum. I can almost feel my brain kicking and screaming “I DON’T WANNA, I DON’T WANNA!”  It’s not even that hard, really, it’s not, I just don’t want to do it.  I now see how people end up ABD.  It would be so easy to just stop, right now, and watch a few episodes of Star Trek or something, then go to work, then come home and make supper and go to bed.  Isn’t that what other people are doing?  I bet they are!

Ugh, well, now, I’m going to turn off my internet and get another section written.  I can do this.  I have to do this.  If I can just get through this part, then I can quit worrying about it.  Right?

Right….

IVF #2, Cycle Day Unknown, AKA the day I ate fried chicken

So, I called this morning to schedule a follow up appointment with my RE.  On this phone call, I found out that I have to have another period, then I have to take more birth control pills, then I’ll start stimming.  Wha????  This is not at all what I thought was going to happen.  I thought I’d take this pack of pills, then that’d be it.  I’d be stimming.

My IVF girl (that’s what the office calls them.  Like they’re special stewardesses directing me through IVF, which I guess, in a way, they are) tells me that I’m to call once I have my next period, then they’ll tell me what to do.  I don’t understand why I have to do it this way.  I’ve already had my ultrasound and my bloodwork.  So, what’s the next period for?  Anywho, I’m just doing as I’m told, and I guess they don’t tell us too much in advance because then we’ll just be even more anxious.  Not that being completely confused is that calming.

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I didn’t get to all my prep work for the week this weekend, so I ended up going out to lunch. I ordered a salad with GRILLED chicken. I got a salad with FRIED** chicken.  I was so short on time that I just decided to eat it.  Now, I feel terrible (tummy aches from greasiness).  Fried chicken is bad, bad, bad.  I can’t believe I ate that.  I’m going to feel sick about it and from it for the rest of the day, I can tell.  I have lost 12 pounds since January 1.  I hope that fried chicken doesn’t ruin my good record, dammit.

**I ate bread on Saturday night.  We went out for DH’s birthday, and the restaurant had that perfect bread with crispy edges and smooth, soft inside.  I couldn’t resist.  Since then, I’ve been phasing the gluten back out again.  I should have kept it out with the fried chicken too, but, alas, I didn’t.

Better Today

Today, I’m doing better. Headaches have abated, and I only felt a little nauseous last night before I went to sleep.

For now, I’m just in a holding pattern as far as IVF goes, so I’m really concentrating on work and school for the next few weeks.

Puking and Peeing… and now Pissing and Moaning

I’ll start this post by saying that I’m not often given to writing a TMI warning ’cause I figure you wouldn’t be reading this kind of blog if you couldn’t handle a li’l bit of raw information, given in truthful way without any glossing over.  But, as the title of this post should indicate, this is not just a li’l bit of raw information.

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So, I didn’t start my BCP on time (Saturday) because I forgot to pick up my prescription.  First thing Sunday morning, though, I dutifully drove to the pharmacy, got the meds, and popped one in the parking lot.  In the instructions, it says take the one you missed as soon as you remember.  So, that’s what I did.  Then, last night (still Sunday), I took my 2nd one on schedule.

Well, what a mistake that was.  At 2 AM, I woke up DH telling him that I really didn’t feel well.  He offered to get me a water, then went back to sleep.  I kept thinking that I’d go back to sleep myself and that my bad feeling would pass over.  At 2:30 AM, I found out just how wrong I was.  I was puking for the next 2 hours or so, in that kind of gut wrenching awful way, so hard that I actually peed on the floor while throwing up (how sexy is that??!).  I’ve had a headache and felt really, awfully tired all day since then.  I’m giving these darn pills 3 more days.  If I don’t feel better, I’m calling the RE’s office back and asking how necessary these things are.  I mean, really, it’s not like we have to worry about me getting pregnant.  Plus, my period is almost like a clock.    It was awful,  just awful, last night.  I know, I know, pregnant women throw up and probably go through much worse feelings than I had last night.  I guess the difference will be that that will seem worth it, where last night just felt completely unnecessary.

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This part of the post has been added later because I need a moment of venting time.  Let me tell you a little story about my friend, let’s call him Jimmy.

Jimmy is pretty much a good guy.  He’s mostly nice, but he’s also pretty inept.  Like he constantly leaves his keys places and drops his electronic equipment in liquid (ponds, coffee cups, puddles, bath tubs, etc…).  Like he can’t EVER remember when we have to go to work meetings or big events, so I end up calling to remind him, every time.

Well, Jimmy is a pretty smart guy, has a postgraduate degree and works with me in a relatively stable, if not high paying, job.  He met, a few months ag0, a really pretty girl who is nice enough and all.  She’s also still married.  To her adulterous husband.  Who is still paying all her bills, since she herself is NOT well-paid and works in a career where money goes up and down based on services rendered.

Well, guess what Jimmy just called to tell me?  Yep.  Said girl is PREGNANT.  They are due in September.  She’s moving in to his house and so is her 8 year old daughter.   He’s super stoked, while also being completely scared. He’s going from confirmed bachelor to insta-family!

I know I’m just supposed to be happy for him/them.  Part of me really is.  But part of me just wants to re-enact that scene from Steel Magnolias where Sally Field wanders along behind the cemetery  yelling “I just wanna know WHY!”  Sometimes life just seems so unfair.  I know I should change the way I’m seeing this. I know I’m supposed to look for the positive.  I just can’t right now. I’m going to bed, with my kindle, and I’m going to read until I stop thinking about all of this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGZu8gwfpQc

I got tagged to tell you about myself

Zygotta tagged me in this fun game.

Rules

1. Post these rules
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer
5. Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them
6. Tag 11 people

Here are my 11 random things, none of which have to do with babies or baby-making (at least not directly), in honor of Fertility Free Friday!

1. I get obsessed by television and will watch episode after episode until I get to the end.  So far, I’ve seen Lost, True Blood, Lie to Me, The Tudors (1/2 of it), Six Feet Under, Sex & The City, and Fringe.  I can’t stop watching until I’ve seen every episode.  I get the same way with serial books.  I just read all the George R R Martin books, one after another in about 3 months (they’re pretty long books).
2. Even though I haven’t heard Fiona Apple’s “When the pawn…” in about 10 years, I still sing “Paper Bag” when I’m in the shower.  I thought you were a man, but you were just a little boy…
3. My favorite thing about shopping in Target is the mirror set up in the dressing rooms.  They make it so you can always see your own butt, without having to do all that twisting about.  When you have a butt as big as mine, it’s important to know how that thing looks in clothes.  Now, if Target would just make better clothes, I’d be really happy.
4. In yoga, I always worry that I’ll accidentally fall asleep during Shavasana and start snoring, so I can never really relax.
5. My favorite British words are “wanker” and “nutter.”  I’m also found of “poofta” and “cuppa tea.”  I really would like to live in England for while… except I don’t think I’d like the weather.
6. I really want to buy all new shoes.  All new ones.  Like throw away all of mine and start over again.  I like shoes, and I’d like some new ones.  Other than tennis shoes though, I have all the ones I need so I can’t justify buying any more.
7. My favorite books are Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series.
8. I don’t I’ve ever met or seen anyone really famous up close, other than Jude Law on Broadway when he played Hamlet.
9. I read A Wrinkle in Time at least once a year.  I love this book.  I give this book as a gift to all kids I know… though so far none of them have loved it like I do.
10. One of my favorite memories of my mom has to do with her reading a book to me every morning after my sister went to school and before my mom had to go to work.
11. I really, really don’t like my sister because of how mean she is to my mom.

Hmm, next I’m supposed to tag 11 people, but I don’t think I know 11 blog people, so I’ll just tag the people I read often, even if I don’t comment much:

Rachel

Holy crap!

Mo

Elphaba

Jay

Braving IVF

Silver Lining

And, here are my answers to zygotta’s questions.

1. What was your most memorable travel destination? Why?

My cross country trip with friends.  In many ways, it was totally awful (terrible hotels, cramped in a car with a girl I ended up really disliking, too much Subway), but in others it will always be something I’m really glad I did

2.  Tell a story of how you met someone famous

Well, I didn’t read these questions first, but I’ve actually already answered this one.  I’ve never actually met a famous person

3. What was your greatest fear in childhood?

Oh, monsters under the bed.  I wasn’t that original.  When I turned off my light I’d only put one foot on the floor, then I’d jump to the bed so they couldn’t get me

4.  If there was one thing about your appearance that you could change, what would that be?

Well, I think I’m supposed to say my psoriasis.  Honestly, though, I’ve gotten used to that.  I’d like to lose weight.  I don’t like how heavy I am right now.  Thank goodness this is something I can do something about

5. What skill are you most proud of?

Reading. I am very happy that I read well

6. Who did you wanna become when you grow up?

I wanted to be a writer and a doctor.  I’m now a reader and almost a PhD doctor, so I’m kinda close.

7. Is there a household chore that you enjoy?

Not really.  I’m not much of a housekeeper.  I don’t mind laundry I guess.

8. What book did you enjoy the most over the past year?

Hmm, I guess Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children.  I love the Martin books, but only as a set, so that’s the SINGLE book I enjoyed reading for the first time this year.

9. Show a picture that captures one of your best memories

I don’t think this picture really shows this very well, but that’s a double rainbow.  I

took that picture one Sunday after a big storm, when DH called and told me to go look at the sky.  He was driving home from work, and we were both so excited to see this big, beautiful rainbow.  Our relationship has had lots of rainbows in it, and I love them.  They remind me that beauty will come after big scary events in the world, if you just look up and look for it.

10.If someone gave you a year-long paid sabbatical, whatwould you do?

Read.  Watch movies.  Walk.  Go places.  Cook elaborate meals (maybe).  Sleep more.  Enjoy life, without pressure.

11.Tell about the place you live in (city, neighbourhood, country… make it as big or as precise as you wish)

I live in the South (in America).  It’s a place filled with beauty, but also sadness.  The low country, with its swamps and marshes and rivers and oceans are stunningly beautiful, but the living conditions of the people breaks my heart.

And, 11 questions anyone can feel free to answer:

1. What’s your favorite type of reading?  Fiction, non-fiction, trashy magazines, whatever…
2. If you could tell you 19 year old self something, what would you tell her?
3. What’s the worst thing about election years?  The pundits, the ads, etc…?
4. Do you have a favorite stupid, really dumb, no point movie?  What makes you love that one?
5. How many times a week do you misplace your keys?  Do they ever turn up in strange places, like the freezer?
6. If you had a million dollars to spend ONLY on frivolous items, what would you buy first?
7. Do you feel guilty about something that you should do more often, but you don’t?
8. What’s your favorite dessert?  Post a picture if you can!
9. What did you love most about your first/favorite pet?
10. Do you have any really annoying habits?
11. Have you ever signed into a social network with the sole purpose of “stalking” (just to check in on someone…)?

Thanks, zygotta.